Oh my Lord Angie, this is beautiful. Word.
One year ago today my boy died. On the 21st of December. I knew Lucia was December, but didn't know she was the same date. Gasp.
Joseph Gabriel.
I've always loved the name Joseph and wanted it for our first if he was a boy (which he was). D didn't want Joseph, he thought it sounded 'too religious'. Other than Joseph, we both liked Xavier (after an Australian singer called Xavier Rudd), or Luka (after and Irish singer called Luka Bloom). Xavier Rudd is blonde and Luka Bloom is dark. If our firstborn was a boy, with blonde hair, he would be Xavier, but if he was dark haired he would be Luka. Either way, his middle name would be Joseph. He was born with lots of dark hair, but was named Xavier Joseph. There went the blonde hair/dark hair naming. Little did D know how religious a name Xavier is.
I'm not a particularly religious person. Lapsed Catholic, that'll do. But, when the next 2 boys came along we settled on Augustin Vincent and Eden Dominic. Here started the theme. Our boys had Saints names and I liked it like that.
As Joseph was our last, I figured if he was a boy, he must be Joseph. There were many girls names tossed around, but Joseph Gabriel was always a definite. Again, not for any religous beliefs, but to continue a theme, and I just always, always loved Joseph. I would have nicknamed him JoJo.
I was given a recipe for St Joseph's day pastries, but haven't made them yet. Maybe one day.
There is certainly a holiness attached to his name name and I do feel like I worship it in some ways. If I get this right, Joseph (Mary's husband) came back to save his family. He was shamed because he wasn't the 'real father' and left, but then returned to her. Decided to honour his God and raise the boy as his own. D and I were heading towards splitsville when I was pregnant with Joseph. We were in counselling for separation to be honest. I'll never forget when we were still in the hospital in those 5 days between Joseph's birth and death and D said to me "he's come here to save us, that's why this is happening". He was grasping at anything. He was totally unaware of the stroy of Joseph. But, what he said was so true because his birth and death did save us. It did save his family. Profound? Mystical? I don't know.
I don't believe that there are any 'gifts' from the death of my child (people say that shit all the time to me, about what his 'gifts' are), BUT, if there were a gift, this would have to be it.
So far, there are no yearly rituals or practices as yet but I'm sure they will emerge as time goes on.
Again Angie, beautiful, beautiful post.
Remembering your Lucia Paz and my Joseph Gabriel and this, their death day. So much fucking worse (for me) than the birth day. x