There was no physical reason of Eszter's death. One day me&her were both fine and happy, the next day she didn't move anymore. The post mortem didn't give a reason either. She was a healthy, dead baby.
Yes. the whole world died with her.
I think that altough I have a living daughter too.
On wrong days I belive that I deserved this. Because I was not always a good mother, a good wife.
On better days I belive, that there should have been a meaning of her death. Then on these days I'm looking for this meaning. I didn't find any so far. When I cannot answer the why - than it followed by a wrong day again.
And later, again, on worse days I belive that none of us mean anything. We are just toys in God's playground, and God is neither good, neither bad, He is only someone, who likes to play silly games.
Or I'm facing with the fact, that I am not important at all, I am only a small something in the world, and it's actually good luck, that we still haven't died.
For me it's better to belive that Eszter's death happened on purpose. On my good days I think that all of us on the earth had choosen our destiny before our birth. I -God knows, why- had choosen a task, an experience, that I could only learn trough Eszter's death. And she had the task to experience death before birth. On better days I think that we -you and me, and our children, families- are chosen ones. Chosen for what? I have no clue. But I simply cannot accept Eszter's death unless I found out, what the hell the universe wants from me, from us with that.
Yes, I've been changed. But I've not became a better person.
searching for a religious reason behind her baby's death; one of the few examples of someone who took comfort in baby's death happening for a "reason"