The Meaning of a Life (comment)

thanks for writing this post. i agree whole heartedly. the sentiment that these things happen for a reason is very subjective... and i know that some blm's also subscribe to this philosphy, and i don't want to hurt them or to belittle their beliefs or coping process... but for me, yes, there was no lesson, or good, or deep meaning to be found in my children's deaths.

at first, i felt this very same way. but then, hearing and seeing that people do, in fact, believe that there is some kind of meaning or direction or greater purpose involved, i tried to be fair and consider this possibility. i thought, hmmmm. what if god is building a big army of goodness, and s/he needed innocent babies to fill the ranks, sort of along the lines of the virgin birth. was my coral rose taken for this higher purpose? should i feel honored instead of bereaved?! well, no... this did not feel right. what could it have been? i racked my brain, and searched my soul. unfortunately, like the crazy 8-ball, all signs pointed to NO. there was no meaning or purpose. unless it had something to do with a vengeful god, doling out punishment. i rejected that premise as well. because... fuck that!! no one deserves to lose a child. no one. and no child deserves to be made some TOOL in some grand master plan to make us see or do or live better, by dying.

then, when my anton died, it sort of shattered a lot of people's suppositions that all this was happening for a reason, a greater cause, a bigger picture. wtf... where was the deep meaning in his death? because then, all it could mean was, either, life just sucks, or my husband and i were fucking cursed. i choose to think that it is the first case- life can SUCK, big time, and there is always something worse and more horrific to prove this.

having said all that, i do sometimes fantasize about god's great army of innocent babies, ready to nix evil in every hidden corner, my coral and anton holding rank and fulfilling their "purpose", and i think of how proud i would have been- if this was not anything but a wish or a dream. wouldn't it be better and easier if it all made sense? and their was some kind of equalizing justice that made it OK for babies to die? i need this break from reality sometimes, because it feels so lonely, and stark, to have babies die. to bury babies, or live with their ashes, only, or, in general, to be without them. to be without. it is so tempting to make shit up, about why. why?!! 7 years later, i don't lose as much sleep over this question as much as i did in the first few years. for me, i have come to accept that the answer to 'why?' is... because it sucks. life sucks, and there are no clean, clear cut, easy answers. it just is. not fair. no reason. no blame. no culpits. or, even- culprits, yes... but no justice.

and, lastly, i also feel that there was some beauty to be found, even in the murky shitpile. i admit that some enriching things may have come as a result of the grieving process. but, i admit it begrudgingly... which one of us would not trade our newly-found empathy and understanding for our babies to be alive instead of gone? this kind of 'back-door' beauty, i am not all that happy to have experienced it. i don't wear my badge of survival with much pride or honor. i wear it with a solemn understanding that life includes death. even the deaths of my children. yes, even their deaths. life is one big, messy package. it doesn't make sense, and although we try to make it fit into nice tidy boxes, all organized and ready to make sense in the end, the fact is, for me anyway, it just is non-sensical. and that is a lesson i learned early, for the most part... because my babies died out of the order of things- i was supposed to die first, right? wrong. their deaths broke that bubble of expectation & priveledge. now, i relate to atrocities happening in africa, in south america, in, well, everywhere else but my middle class american lifestylle. nope, no meaning in the end. people who find a greater meaning for my children's deaths, all i can think is that they just havn't learned MY lesson as of yet... just wait until they have an unfair loss, too great to bear. and then, they will understand better, how hard it is to accept the unacceptable.