The Meaning of a Life (comment)

Thank you, Julia, for this. I can't begin to highlight the comments or phrases in the original post and the comments that resonate with me. There are too many.
I am a bit over 2 months out from the loss of my son, so I feel that I am still in uncharted waters for myself. I don't know what tomorrow will bring, let alone next week, next month, next year....
I do know, though, that I have found myself very resistant to hearing that there was a bigger reason for his death. Within hours of finding out that he had died, I was getting my blood drawn--it turned out that the tech had experienced the loss of a baby. In trying to comfort me, he said something along the lines of "I'm sure there's a reason. G-d must have a plan. You never know, maybe the child had special needs and he knew you couldn't handle it." Although I know he meant well, those words still echo in my thoughts. Initially it was just simply that I was offended that he implied that perhaps I wouldn't be able to "handle" a child with a disability or that my son would be a "less-than" if he had a disability. After we found out that my son did have Down syndrome, though, the words started to haunt me as "What if he's right?" I've had others, too, say "it all happens for a reason," particularly after hearing that he had Down syndrome.
I'd say I'm still waiting to know what that reason is, but that wouldn't be totally honest. I think that the reason that so many of these post resonate is that I don't know if I'm looking for meaning or not.
My baby died. That sucks. It's not ok. I am changed, but perhaps not for the better. I'd like to think I was an ok person to begin with, so the implication that this will make me a better person or a stronger person doesn't sit well. I'd rather be a weak person and have my son sleeping on my chest as I type this.
I don't feel the need for my son to change the lives of others--don't tell me you're appreciating your children more or I'll just ask why you didn't appreciate them in the first place. Don't tell me that his death will make my other children more compassionate--I think we could have handled that one without stealing a life.
But I do think that we can keep him alive and do good for other people and other families. Yes, perhaps we'll be more conscientious about that because of him, but that's not a reason for his death or a higher purpose or meaning. It's just one way we're trying to deal with the crap hand we've been dealt.
Julie, your comment "I am not a better person because Bear died. I am a better person because he lived." sums it up, I think. I am a better person because of every second that my son lived and every second that he was with us after he died. I am not a better person because of his death. I am not a better person in spite of his death. I am a better person regardless of his death.