I am by no means, well-adjusted or healthily coping but I am Auggie’s dad and this is what I have to offer.
Most people on Glow know my wife, Jill and this is the first time I have written anything although I have been known to lurk on Glow and truly appreciate the people from Glow that attended Auggie’s service.
When my daughter Beatrice died in late 2010, I got by as mentioned by another in this post on the raw and newness of the loss. And I put a lot of my effort into trying to take care of Jill. Focusing on someone else allowed me to not focus on myself. Being hyper vigilant to remove her from situations or any prompters that might be painful to her eats up a decent amount of time and energy. As you have probably already learned this is a fruitless endeavor but it does occupy you. Likely not healthy but not harmful in my mind so that is what I did. The anger came in quick fits mainly from how the rest of the world was not crumbling and weeping with me at the loss of my wonderfully, perfect daughter. The anger regularly segued into sadness which sapped my energy and soul, leaving me limp and exhausted so no need to expunge the anger.
We found out Jill was pregnant with Auggie in early in 2011 and that is where my energy went. I would think of Bea often but it would normally instigate sadness, I would cry for a little bit (normally by myself in the garage or in the car) and then I would tell myself to get my shit together because I needed to be strong for my wife and unborn child.
Auggie’s story can be found here on Glow, so I won’t rehash it. Jill and I loved him with everything we had and my wife is the strongest person I know and the only person I trust in talking about my feelings.
In recent memory there has only been one day where I was so consumed with anger that I thought I was losing my mind. I went on a bike ride trying to sweat out the aggression, but that just fueled it. Every single person that was near me, I had thoughts of harming. It scared the shit out of me. Fortunately it passed without any lash outs but I saw how easy it is to snap. So don’t feel alone there. I have thought about global apocalypses because that is the magnitude of suffering that I would want others to endure. That will likely red flag me on a Homeland Security watch list, but it is again to show you that like many others have said, we all have the rage.
Since I can’t answer any of the real questions, nobody can, I can list a couple things that have kept me out of a padded room or a cellblock:
- Do stuff with your hands. Anything, I don’t know your background/resources/hobbies/vocation but as a guy that spends a majority of his workdays in front of a computer in his office, it is nice to work on tangible projects. Sometimes it is as simple as taking something apart just to put it back together again. Other times it is something like I am going to do the most irrational cleaning of the car/house/garage that means cleaning things that have never been cleaned before. It occupies your hands and your mind focuses on a short term attainable goal.
- Do new stuff. Jill and I have started making our own beer, roasting our own coffee, I tried to teach myself bodywork. The latter was not repeated, but beer making and coffee roasting is still going strong.
- I will likely be chastised for this, but you already said that you can control your alcohol, so this works for me at times. Drinking beer in the garage with sad songs on the radio in solitude. This always turns rage into sadness as I grew up in the garage with my dad and planned to do the same with both Bea and Auggie. Sometimes, I feign working on something but most of time I am just drinking beer, listening to lyrics of loss and longing welling up for one of those drops you to your knees-cry from your soul sessions.
- Eliminate antagonizers. You have a friend, co-worker, neighbor that always says the wrong thing or always reminds you of being pissed off then fuck em. And I mean that in the flippant, poignant way. Dodge them at all costs, sing a song in your head when they are talking, whatever. By using the vulgar phrase it turns them into a lesser threat and empowers you. It sucks that you are the one that has to do this, but you already know that this whole thing SUCKS.
- Keep going to your wife for help. There are other guys here that have lost their children but we don’t know you, your wife does. Talk and listen to her.
It has been mentioned in another post that if you have Faith in a higher power, go full steam towards that. I know plenty of people that have made it through their most tragic times because of their faith. I did not include above since that is not something that has worked for me.
Above all remember that you are a husband and a man that is doing a damn good job at both of those at the worst time in your life.
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