I was once very scientifically driven. Everything had a place, a reason, an explanation. Until Stella died. There was no "reason" it was a medical "mystery" The doctors, scientists, no one. not one person could figure it out. So I turned to the spiritual side of it. Why? Was this one of those "everything happens for a reason" "God has a plan" kinda BS?! Was I being punished!? I dont understand it. Not from a scientific point nor a spiritual point. It plain does not make any sense and just made life worse. Harder, less happy. Like a huge dark cloud in my heart covering the sun. Making it feel cold and iced. And every time someone has a baby or i see pregnant people or hear of all the beautiful rainbows being born, i feel sorry for me. Ive become introverted and selfish over losing Stella. Im mad that her brother ans sister couldn't meet her. That I dont know what color her eyes were. Then I become heaven sick. I sickly await my own death as people around me die off. ( literally just about every other month i am attending funerals) and I think "Boy they're lucky, they get to meet my daughter before me" "They've escaped this hell and get to be in heaven" When I do have times of peace and thanksgiving here on Earth I'm mad Stella cant be with us. She doesnt get to enjoy this with us. Or is she? Is she here with me? I just dont know. There is no explanation, no scientific proof she is here or not. Or even why she left. I just hate it all and have not accepted it. Its harder with out a reason. But then again, I have not seen the other side, the side that tells me Why.
looking in vain for a spiritual reason; wresting and searching