This is a beautiful, much needed post. I think too often, we are afraid to feel anything but the deep sadness that comes from losing a child. I admit that in the beginning, if I found something funny and laughed - I felt guilty about it. I felt that I didn't have the right to laugh anymore. I thought that I "needed" to be sad. For the longest time, I wallowed in the depths of darkness because I didn't know what else to do.
About 4 months after my daughter died, I had a long conversation with a friend about losing my daughter. In the course of the converstaion, he presented the idea that she chose me to be her mother because she knew that I could help her on her spiritual journey. She wouldn't have chosen me if she didn't think that I could handle it. I don't know why, but after he told me this, I felt a tremendous weight lift from me and knew that it was ok to feel good again. I am not saying that I don't have my moments of sadness - they are still there. But, I can experience joy again and feel ok doing it.
Now, I just feel whatever it is I am feeling at any given moment. I don't hide from the joy and I embrace the sadness when it comes. I have cried when I am happy and laughed when I am sad - and to be honest, it all feels good. And the best part of it all, is that I feel closer to my daughter now than when I was wallowing in the sadness.