oh sister where art thou

My living children are 5, 3.5 and 2. In the first week I made mistakes. I did not have them come to the hospital to see Cullen and hold him. I regret that one decision more than anything. All they know if him is the picture that hang in our home.

We didn't use the word 'died' at first, but quickly corrected that and now we use it quite openly. I noticed a big difference when we did.

I made certain resolutions about the way I would encourage my children to relate to their baby brother. It is my responsibility to make certain that he is never ever forgotten, that his memory will be a part of their lives for as long as i am here to share it with them.

We told the kids that when Cullen died he went to be with God/Jesus in heaven and that someday we hope to be with him. We do say that he is an angel but try not to get too descriptive as I think the kids need to formulate their own images of his afterlife.
I think the most valuable and healing thing that we do is simply talk about him. All the time- both randomly and when we look at his pictures (we have several of them). We say his name in some way every single day- that is one of the most important things to me- just saying his name and remembering him because he is as much a part of our family as any one of us who are living.

We read two books- both given to us by wonderful people- 'Something Happened' and 'We were going to have a baby but we had and angel instead'.

My 5 year old handles it differently than my 3.5 year old. He talks about missing his baby brother while she says the same but follows it up with long conversations and questions about 'when we have another baby'..... The 2 year old has never asked about Cullen.

I agree that perhaps a visit to the hospital might help your daughter. Perhaps she could make a card that you can leave there. I think children learn by repetition sometimes- you may have to explain hundreds of times that Josie is in heaven, such is the nature of a child's mind. It may be exhausting and seem as though it is not working, but little by little your daughter will hear you and her questions might come less often or be joined by other questions. Every time you answer her questions about why/how Josie is in heaven she is thinking of her sister, and that may be the easiest way for her to grieve/understand right now.

I guess the most valuable thing for our family's healing has been talking, being honest, and keeping his memory at the forefront of our lives. He is one of us, we are six, and my living children know that we love him as much as we love each one of them.