I lost my daughter Simone in November @ 39 weeks. I am 3 months and 3 days out. I too, went back to work out of necessity, after 8 weeks of disability leave. Immediately after our loss, we were in shock and numb. I thought I was okay, was handling it very well, I experienced no anger, fear or anxiety. Then. My daughter was in heaven, she never suffered, I was still alive and my husband and I have supportive, loving family. Then the numbness went away. The horrible, gut-wrenching pain of the realization that she was really gone hit me like a ton of bricks. Thanksgiving, Christmas, NYE, holidays that I had imagined with her in my mind.. shattered. Anger, bitterness, jealousy, melancholy, rage, sorrow, despair.. racked my body and my mind. I no longer recognized myself. There are days when I still don't. But in the midst of all those negative emotions.. there is still the LOVE I have for Simone, the 9 beautiful months that I carried her... I cannot forget their beauty.. it helps to keep me sane. The deeper love that she brought to her father and me. The realization that my husband loves me so much more than I EVER knew. I am grateful for that.
Give yourself permission to FEEL all the things that you said you are beginning to feel.. good, bad, ugly, beautiful. Give yourself permission to take the TIME to do so. It's hard, I know. But, I also think that it is necessary in order to become the Mom that you so desparately want to be.
You mentioned your age, and how getting older scares you... I understand it, but much like Sarah said above, you'll deal with it. I was 35 when I lost Simone.. now I'm looking at 36 or 37 before having my first possible "live" child... is it optimal? Nope. I am, however, thankful that I am still here, still alive, and still young enough to be able to try again. that is a blessing. It helps me to try and remember that. Maybe it will for you? A different perspective.. the ability to try again is a gift, a blessing. It makes for me, the age, not so important.
For me, exercise and getting back to my pre-pregnancy weight has helped... I find running to be very meditative, and helps me to release the tension, anxiety, stress from my week at work.. and helps me to organize my thoughts. When I run, I can just "be". It also releases those wonderful little endorphins that make me feel "lighter" lifting that fog of negativity/depression (for me). Eating healthy also helps to combat depression.. if you eat well or focus on trying to eat well, then your brain also benefits b/c there is less of chemical imbalance of nutrients. It helps. So keep trying to eat healthy and work out... I think you will find that it will continue to help. If you look better, you feel better. Cliche' but true. I too, have thought of running for my daughter, so if you can turn your run into a way to honor your son.. GO FOR IT. Do the things that make you feel good. I believe that we can honor our kids by being the best people we can be in light of our tragedy.
For me, it also helps that I see a grief counselor..and that my counselor is not only specifically trained in grief, but has experienced a similiar loss. For me, these sessions have been invaluable. I never understood grief or depression before we lost Simone, and she has helped me navigate this journey that I (we) am on. It helps to talk and get it out. It also helps to understand that this process is not instantaneous... poof! You're all better if you do X, Y, Z. I wish it did, but it doesn't. Allow yourself time... My husband and I go to the counselor together to talk as a unit, and I am also going separately, woman to woman. The online blogs and places like this are amazing.. a community of people who understand, who just "get it" . There is nothing like that kind of comfort when you are going through a sh*tstorm of emotion, to know that you are not the only one who felt like this.. and to hear how it GETS BETTER. Not instantly.. but it does.. slowly, gradually.. the grief gets a little bit easier to bear... a little lighter...
I do a lot of talking to God, I read 3 devotionals every morning as well. That really helps me. I talk to him when I'm angry, sad, feeling alone, happy. I thank Him for the things that I still have.. my health, my husband, my family, my friends, my job.. the 9 amazing months with my daughter and the fact that she didn't suffer. It doesn't make the pain go away... but it helps for me to know that I will see her again.
As for work, you mentioned that you might be going down to part -time, or let go with severance pay. I think that it might be helpful to discuss both possibilities with your husband.. best case (part-time), worse case (laid-off), and have some kind of a contingency plan. It might help to reduce any possible anxiety you/he might be experiencing, and while we now know nothing is guaranteed, you at least will not be caught off guard. Be open with each other, be kind to yourself. YOu both just went through a major trauma... try not to push too hard.
3 months later, my grief is less intense.. I no longer feel broken in half with my guts ripped out and someone is stomping on them while I lie there. I still have many down days.. but my downs aren't as deep as they once were. I have some up days with bad moments.. some bad days with good moments.. but I am learning to take one day at a time.. and not worry so much about the future, when we will try again.. will we be successful next time, etc... patience for me, is a very hard lesson to learn, and one that I am learning kicking and screaming. :)
Lastly, I read a lot of books, on loss.. An exact replica of a figment of my Imagination, Surviving the Death of Your Baby, Knocked up, Knocked Down- Postcards from the Brink of Motherhood, Pregnancy after a Loss, Empty Arms, Tear Soup.. they were all wonderful resources for me.. they may help you to navigate your way through this loss.
I really hope that this helps...try to take it one day at a time.. try not to worry about the future too much. I won't say don't worry at all, simply because I cannot do that myself. Breathe... and try not to push too hard.. be gentle with yourself.