Oh Mandy, I wish I had a wise answer, or even some thoughts that might hold bits of wisdom...but all I can say is "Yes, me too, I understand."
One of my very best friends gave birth five weeks after Otis died. Over three months since her baby was born, and I still cannot look at pictures of her baby, and I haven't spoken with her since then, either. (She lives far away. We have emailed, but it's been tricky, at best.) I feel horribly that I've let the friendship dissolve to the extent that I have, and yet, I can't bear to talk with her - it's just too much for me. Even just seeing her name sometimes reminds me of the unfairness that her baby lived while mine didn't, and can send me into a tailspin. I don't know what will happen to our friendship. She doesn't either. (Our email exchanges have mostly been around the topic of how sad it is that we can't be friends right now. She understands, but also doesn't know how long a hiatus a friendship can withstand...)
And today she called me, to "warn" me of another mutual friend who has just announced that he and his wife are expecting...And I couldn't take her call, I just heard the message, and it pissed me off for a few reasons - because of the pregnancy announcement, but also because she assumed my fragility in not being able to hear news like that (rightfully so - I really can't hear news like that, but it pisses me off that people are so nervous and cautious around me, even though they need to be!)
My husband tries to remind me that the feelings evoked in me when I see/hear of new babies coming into the world are a sign that I want that for myself, and he tries to believe it's "the universe's way of showing us that life is all around us, and that it will be coming our way soon too..."
I can't quite find my inner Pollyanna enough to be so positive. Like you say, I feel horribly that I am such a monster, so incapable of feeling joy for anyone else when I am in so much pain.
I am really sorry that your friend's email made the implication that God has a selective hand in taking lives off the earth and then putting them here as well - and that the implication would then make you feel like God took your daughter. I have heard of people saying "God must have needed another angel" in reference to one's baby dying, and I think it's very, very, very fortunate that no one has ever tried to say such a thing to me, because I don't think I'd be able to control any violent impulses....