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I know that I am extremely late coming to this tread but I wanted to put in my two-cents and to share some thoughts on karma that have brought me comfort since losing my son just over 3 months ago. (Ellis was born, perfect, at 39 weeks and stopped breathing 32 hours later, we do not know why and do not expect to ever get a medical explanation.)

This post rocked me. I am sitting back on my heels and shaking my head to clear it. Wow.

(God, faith mentioned)

Oh Susan, I'm sorry for your struggles. It is so frustrating when 'people' tell us (mostly who have never known babyloss) not to question our faith. The best conclusioin I've come to is that God can handle any anger and questioning we put his way. He does not push away even when we push him away.

Oh, ppphhhhhh… 

What do I do now?

She’s been gone longer than she was here, even counting the time she was inside me.

I’ve passed all of the first anniversaries: her ultrasound, the day she was born, the day she died on both the Jewish and Gregorian calendars.

We’ve anticipated her arrival.

Hoped deeply.

Said hello, welcomed our second child to the big world.

Loved unconditionally.

Taken her outside to breathe fresh real air.

Said goodbye.

Buried her fragile little body in a tiny coffin in the ground.

I hate "he is an angel now" and I double hate "God needed another angel" Could he not just have whipped one up himself with out shattering my heart and so many others.

Oh how I love this site. How lucky I am to have found it! I feel so very much at home.

I have also "tried it all" to fall pregnant after our loss, in the midst of friends and family falling pregnant at the drop of a hat. "I have to fall pregnant before that baby is born, before the next baby is born, and the next, and then I will be able to deal with it better". And it does not happen like that. The upside of which is that I learn I can survive the birth of all the silver platter babies, not pregnant. Something I never considered.

Another great, thought provoking and wonderfully written post - thank you Chris.

It's something that I know I'm growing with more confidence; talking to others about my loses, but guess that is down to my own growth and understanding of where I am now and what matters to me.

Oh, yes. The letters.

I wrote lots in my head and never sent them. However, I also wrote some on paper/email and did send them.

I sent a letter to my siblings and parents and told them exactly what I thought of their behaviour following the deaths of our three children. About how incredibly selfish they were (and continue to be). None of them ever responded to the letter. What selfish pigs they were and are.

All throughout my pregnancy I heard, "Stop worrying, everything is going to be GREAT!" and "God told me everything is going to be okay with your babies!" So when my son died, I wanted to go back and strangle all those shiny happy bullcrap people who lied to me. I never felt my feelings of concern were validated ever and was made to feel ashamed for being cautious during my pregnancy as if I were "asking for it". So did I kill my son with worry? Would he be here if I had been blissfully naive and completely anxiety-free?

I had no idea sites like this one existed. Online communities like this existed. Until this week. It's like a secret club for wounded hearts. My beautiful daughter, Elodie, died 25 days ago. She was full-term (39 weeks) and all of a sudden no heartbeat. She died from a knot in the cord. I saw it clear as day when she came out. I am still in shock and haven't returned to work yet. Just numb. At the same time crazy, crazy anxious to try to get pregnant again as soon as our six week waiting period is up. Is this normal? Did anyone feel the same way?