This post rocked me. I am sitting back on my heels and shaking my head to clear it. Wow.
I've spent a lot of time thinking about the things I must have done. I guess I've believed in some form of karma and am open to the idea of past or future lives, even though I am Christian. I have spent a lot of time assuming that something I did caused our losses, because it's the only way I feel I can reconcile this to my idea of God, I guess. And boy does that make me feel awful. Everyone tells me it's not my fault (hard to accept when it is your body that failed your child and continues to fail again and again) and that that isn't how God works - He doesn't do tit for tat and he doesn't want to hurt us. But how does that reconcile with so much pain and suffering? And I remember thinking shortly after, 'Ok, yeah, fine. If I fucked it all up that's fine. Punish me, but why Gabriel? What did he do to deserve that?'
And this has given me a whole new way to think about things. What a gift.
As for the question, yes, I'm seeing a therapist. It was a requirement of my new doctor - she would not give me a prescription for anti-depressants unless I agreed to see a counselor as well. Which makes for a great doc, I think, and gave me the push I needed to do it - and more valuable, a list to choose from. I found my therapist from her list, which is great because she was recommended, she specializes in pregnancy loss and high risk pregnancies and works with my doctors. It's a great balance.
We work a lot on being present in the now. I used to joke about my high levels of anxiety and vivid imagination that I didn't have an off-switch. Once I got started spinning myself up, I was unable to stop and I would just get more and more anxious and worked up. She says she's helping to build me an off switch by teaching me techniques to help me cope.
She says I've suffered a big trauma and it should be addressed as such, reminds me that it is a profound loss and that I have every right to experience the loss my way, and every right to have a range of emotions surrounding it. She helps me give a voice to how I am feeling, and a space to express it that is free of judgment - that last bit is especially valuable, since the further you get away from it, the more you need a place to talk about it.
We're focusing a lot on future pregnancies, since we are trying again. Her big phrase is that she 'holds the hope' for me. That it is not my job to be hopeful or to force happiness or excitement or hope for the next pregnancy. That my job is simply to be present throughout it and plow through it. She said that she wants to help me exist in a place between the terror of the future and grief of the past and not let either one overwhelm me. That because something has happened before doesn't guarantee it will happen again. There is a lot of meditation involved, a lot of focus on getting me to slow down and breathe and reconnect with my body instead of hating it and blaming it. It has been very helpful, but is missing a spiritual element.
I'd like to seek out a spiritual mentor, but I don't attend church regularly. I have a friend who is a pastor - who married us, actually - but I don't feel that she can really answer my questions. I don't want Bible verses, I want someone to listen and try to explain. I thought about seeking out a priest I used to know during my brief flirtation with Catholicism, but what can he really know about these kind of losses and pains? I did reach out to a minister, who was helpful, but when I asked to schedule a second time to meet, she never responded. I felt blown off and haven't pursued it again. It's sort of lonely to be out here with no answers, feeling lost and uncertain of how to find my way back, how to reconcile what has happened to us with what I thought I knew or believed.