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I think we all have this struggle, regardless of whether we'd say it's with God or not. Faith - including but not limited to the big-f FAITH in the church way - is just about the last thing to rebound after the loss of a baby, I think.

This post rocked me. I am sitting back on my heels and shaking my head to clear it. Wow.

I don’t have time to write a coherent post, due to lack of sleep etc. Please find below some unconnected comments about how life is here for me at the moment. I was just wondering if any of it rings a bell for anyone else. All comments welcome....

Likewise, I'm really having a difficult time with spirituality and religion. In the past, this time of year has been soothing and healing, and this year, I'm just in limbo. I'm really not sure what I believe anymore.

It was January and it was snowing. Great big fat flakes were floating down and, even more exciting, they were sticking to the ground. It was enough to make two young boys nearly hysterical.

I helped them piece together whatever suitable outdoor clothing we could find and sent them out the door in ill-fitting snow boots from last year and adult sized stocking caps that kept falling down over their eyes. They whooped and hollered and started scraping together snowballs from the wafer-thin blanket of snow that had accumulated on the grass.

feel transformed as well. not necessarily for the better, but more real maybe. still the anger, bitterness, envy are not pretty. my heart is still hardened most of the time. i am waiting for a time when i can come into balance. where my heart will soften a bit. being on the road and in beautiful places has helped to bring back a sense of wonder and gratitude for this world. but i am still in the aftermath of the huge tragic loss of my first born. i am in a metamorphosis.

he death of my son lev, at 38 weeks, left me in a spiritual crisis. getting pregnant after ttc for a while and then finally being pregnant, i felt so blessed, like my prayers were finally answered. i believed our child was special and we needed to wait for him. in my moments of worry i put my trust in a higher power and prayed for my baby to be healthy and strong. i had faith. and then when he died i felt deeply betrayed and cursed. i felt like god really got me good.

Oh, ppphhhhhh… 

What do I do now?

She’s been gone longer than she was here, even counting the time she was inside me.

I’ve passed all of the first anniversaries: her ultrasound, the day she was born, the day she died on both the Jewish and Gregorian calendars.

We’ve anticipated her arrival.

Hoped deeply.

Said hello, welcomed our second child to the big world.

Loved unconditionally.

Taken her outside to breathe fresh real air.

Said goodbye.

Buried her fragile little body in a tiny coffin in the ground.

Oh how I love this site. How lucky I am to have found it! I feel so very much at home.

I have also "tried it all" to fall pregnant after our loss, in the midst of friends and family falling pregnant at the drop of a hat. "I have to fall pregnant before that baby is born, before the next baby is born, and the next, and then I will be able to deal with it better". And it does not happen like that. The upside of which is that I learn I can survive the birth of all the silver platter babies, not pregnant. Something I never considered.

I used to be a christian. I used to believe in an all-powerful god, a kind god, a merciful god, a god who cared. I believed in miracles. I believed that prayers were answered. I believed all those things. Now I don't believe any of them. None. I guess that's what happens after three children die. I'm still lost. Nothing gives me comfort now. I don't know what to believe any more. I cling to my husband. He is everything to me because there is nothing else. Not yet.