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But the darkness can still be so frightening, and make you feel so terribly alone.

Sometimes, in it, I lose the memory of light, except the feeling that I cannot bare to be without it anymore.

I am waiting, to "watch the hand of God put the stars back in the sky, one by one".

(I don't know where that quote is from)

I feel how I have and continue to transform in the less than 5 months since losing my girls changes daily, hourly, even. It is so much to process, to think about, to not want to think about, to feel, to not want to feel. As you described, I certainly have issues with my faith, and religion. I do believe there is something more, that there is a spiritual world, but the version of God and heaven and spirituality that I was raised with seems to be a lie to me right now.

Karma. An eye for an eye. I've been thinking about that, too. That because my body was the vessel, it must be somehow my fault, even though I almost died delivering the 2nd of my lost twins, 3 weeks apart, it's may fault they died, because I was complaining about the cost of a triple stroller, the need for a triple stroller, scared of taking care of 3 children under the age of 3 basically by myself since Hubs works 70 hrs a week, etc, etc...

I was reprimanded once, while working at a Bible Camp, for leading a prayer with "Dear God." A visiting pastor worried that without saying "Lord God" I could have been praying to anyone. It struck me as silly at the time, but that pastor and I really did believe in different gods. His was male, judging, controlling. Mine wasn't, and I'm very grateful for that now. I've been struggling with my faith since losing Teddy, and if I had believed in the god of that pastor, I think I would have turned away altogether.

Six months after Sadie's death, I am still angry.

I ask the God I was brought up to believe in why he chose us and find myself furious all over again when I can't find the answer.

I only hope with more time that I can find the patience you speak of, Souad.

So many of these thoughts are familiar to me. I've been struggling with my faith and my ideas about who and what God is (if there is a god) since my son's death, and it's just constantly hard. My entire worldview has changed. The faith that was such a big part of my life is not there anymore, and I'm not sure yet what will be there in it's place.

This post was something I really needed to read - it helped to read your perspective and soak up your thoughts - I think for many of us coming from faith communities, there's the implication that we are supposed to learn & grow from loss. Even when things aren't said, sometimes they are felt.

I think, for me, the last year was about connectedness, which is ironic because I felt so alienated from so many of the people in my life. But I felt a deep deep sense of connectedness with suffering and grief in people around me. It was a beautiful, sad, overwhelming feeling of having a very human experience of loss shared by many in so many different ways. At some point, for the immediate weeks after Lucia died, I would see people as their suffering. I think it helped open my eyes to how vulnerable we all are.