So many of these thoughts are familiar to me. I've been struggling with my faith and my ideas about who and what God is (if there is a god) since my son's death, and it's just constantly hard. My entire worldview has changed. The faith that was such a big part of my life is not there anymore, and I'm not sure yet what will be there in it's place.
One of the hardest things for me to hear was "It's okay to be mad at God. God can take it." Well, I didn't want God to be able to take it. I wanted God reeling in pain, like I was. I wanted him confused and cold and in pain, like I fear my baby was. I don't talk about this with my family - faith has really helped my mom to deal with the loss of her grandchild and I don't want to take that away from her. But I am almost four years out and still dealing with the anger sometimes. I still miss my faith, but I can't believe just because I'd like to, if that makes sense.
I don't have (obviously!) any answers, but I did want to reply to you and let you know that I hear you & am thinking of you & wishing you whatever peace & comfort you can find in all of this.
-alientation from Christian community but reticence to speak up lest others would be offended or hurt