After the Transformation (comment)

I feel how I have and continue to transform in the less than 5 months since losing my girls changes daily, hourly, even. It is so much to process, to think about, to not want to think about, to feel, to not want to feel. As you described, I certainly have issues with my faith, and religion. I do believe there is something more, that there is a spiritual world, but the version of God and heaven and spirituality that I was raised with seems to be a lie to me right now. I find myself hating God, cursing at him, out loud at times even. I am not usre where I will end up in this area, for better or worse.
In some ways I feel I am stronger, if I can get through burying my 2 baby girls, I can get through anything. The "small stuff" really doesn't mean anything to me anymore, I feel I know more about what's really important in life (to me, anyway). But I also can't stand to listen to others complain, about anything, unless it's involved with losing a child. Which unless Im blogging, it never is. I'm trying to be more empathetic, and remember that everything is relative. And I'm hoping I don't lose friends because I have no patience for certain things, and they will see that I'm not a good listener anymore, see that I don't want to hear it, see that, as another poster put it, I have hardened, I'm profoundly saddened, I'm not so much fun to be around, I'm mad as hell.
In other ways, I feel weaker. I worry more about losing my husband or only child. I feel guilty, I often blame and dislike myself for what happened. I wonder if, deep down inside, my husband does too. I feel I cannot handle much on my plate, and become overwhelmed easily. I can start out as Supermom at 7 AM, and by 7 PM I'm a disaster. I find myself enjoying some nice weather or time with my son one minute, and sobbing thinking of my girls the next. Two steps forward, one step back? I feel I am on a continuum of change, where I bounce back and forth from one place to another, never really getting anywhere. Maybe one day I will see more definate change, when this isn't as new. I so much want to feel better, but know part of me will always ache for them, want them, miss them,; part of me is gone forever.