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AFM, week 24. We've come back from a Christian conference thingy my husband helped organised. Until now I have been thinking of myself as a Christian going through hard times. I've realised over the last few days that I am instead occupying a sort of demilitarised zone between 'Christian going through hard times' and 'No longer Christian'. That's sad, just one more thing to grieve from this whole shitty mess, and it's a big one.

Anonymouse I am so terribly sorry to read that this baby has died. How agonising for you and your family. I'll be thinking of you over the weekend particularly with the induction immanent. I would offer to pray for you, but I am afraid I am still not on speaking terms with God myself. You will be very much in my thoughts though and I am sending you supportive vibes, for what it's worth

I am so sorry your precious little boy died. There is no justice in his death, and the pain is excruciating, isn't it.

I just wanted to pop in to offer a book suggestion that has helped me in my struggle with God and my faith...I've found that "When Bad Things Happen to Good People" by Harold S. Kushner has helped me some. I'm still struggling on a daily basis with my faith, but this book has eased it a bit.

I feel the same way. People just ond't know how to relate. Or they downplay it to something they can manage. When it comes to church people, they just don't get it. I've really struggled with my faith since losing Charlotte. Nobody can explain why she's gone.
*subsequent pregnancy mentioned*

I don't blame the doctors, but my mom tried her best to make sure they didn't do anything wrong. She was convinced they didn't have my date right. That I could have been further along than I was. I was due to receive my Rhogam shot 2 weeks after we lost Charlotte. But I know we had the date right. Not that we know for certain it was Rh issues that caused her to be stillborn.

I think there was an insurance commercial on a few years back that describes me pretty well. If I remember correctly it shows someone driving through an intersection and they imagine a crash, then they drive by a house and imagine it on fire. I do that. When I saw the faint pink line I was certain I was going to miscarry. Mom says I had an intuition that Mary wouldn't live, but I think it's just me. Oddly, I seem to come across as very cheery to other people. Even now. And, when I think about it I guess I do feel joy more and more often than I have any right to.

Today is 3 months since Mary was born silent. Monday will be when she was supposed to be born pink and screaming with bright blue eyes and whispy blonde hair. Or at least that's how I imagined it. I haven't been sleeping well. I never started counseling like I said I would. When I feel ok, I don't think I need it and when I feel rotten I can't be bothered to call. I feel like I'm climbing a mountain with no rest and little oxygen.

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I so needed to read this thread. I used to be so secure in my faith. In fact, I was taking steps to become a minister in my denomination when I became pregnant with Mary. My faith is now in tatters. I want it back but I just feel so angry and hateful instead. Recently my aunt and the husband of a close friend both beat the odds with terrible medical issues. When their friends replied on facebook things like "see our prayers worked!" it was all I could do not to reply, why don't we ask my daughter how well those prayers worked for her?

I thought that I would have the conviction or the confidence in the Ressurection of Christ, the way that I had all the years leading up to this- but not this year. This year, my faith was shaken so much more than I ever realized. I wasn't happy on Easter. I didn't even bother going to Church. I didn't sing songs, I didn't do dinner with family. My husband and I had breakfast, and then went on a 10 mile run.