I don't blame the doctors, but my mom tried her best to make sure they didn't do anything wrong. She was convinced they didn't have my date right. That I could have been further along than I was. I was due to receive my Rhogam shot 2 weeks after we lost Charlotte. But I know we had the date right. Not that we know for certain it was Rh issues that caused her to be stillborn.
I try my best not to blame myself. I wonder if I danced too much at a wedding the week before. I feel like I shook her up too much. I wonder if I worked out too hard on the elliptical machine the days before losing her. I regret doing those things, thinking that they somehow contributed to her blood mixing into my system. I will never know.
And it has been extremely hard for me to not blame God. Our perfect little girl was due on the perfect date, the anniversary of our first date. Everything was perfect and I feel like she was ripped away from us. Like a cruel joke "you thought you were going to be parents and have this little girl - just kidding". Everyone says "God would not do this to you". Well, I feel he didn't do anything to stop or prevent it either. So hard for me to understand right now. Struggling with my faith on a daily basis. How can I thank God for anything when I cannot thank him for my little girl ???? Ah, here come the tears.