I don’t have time to write a coherent post, due to lack of sleep etc. Please find below some unconnected comments about how life is here for me at the moment. I was just wondering if any of it rings a bell for anyone else. All comments welcome....
It’s almost 18 months since our gorgeous Salome dies, and our son Jonah is now 12 weeks old. Jonah is a good sleeper and a calm little bloke so we are through the high-pressure bit of life with a new born. But now I’m out of crisis mode I’m feeling a lot more difficult stuff than I was before. There is a back log of things to be grieved that I haven’t had the emotional space to look at until now, and as the immediate baby-pressure has decreased, these Other Things to be Grieved are coming up out of the mud.
Number 1 on the Other Things to be Grieved list is the loss of my faith. Previously Christian in form and Catholic in brand, my faith has been absolutely shredded by the last 18 months. I am very sad about this, and angry too. It’s made extra tricky by my dh having the opposite experience: the death of our daughter has deepened his faith which has been a source of strength and comfort to him. So there are 2 aspects to that one: the loss of my faith and then also the effect of that on our relationship. Our paths have diverged at this point and sadly our faith is something we no longer share. Since our daughter’s death, dh has started another tertiary course in theology, and I have trouble even walking into a church. As if our marriage has not been under enough pressure already.... Ironically, since Salome’s death I am more sure than ever that a sacred dimension of life exists. It’s just that I have yet to meet a God whose team I’d like to be on. And I am fed up with feeling so spiritually adrift.
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