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I am sorry for your loss. I lost my child 2 years nine months and 15 days ago. The rage and pain is still with me. I have my wife most of the time to vent with. She has the same pain as i do. I also went bowling at lot (my hobby) i was able to release a tone of tention by flinging the ball down the lane as fast as i could for several hours. I always have to remind myself now and then that people are stupid. They only think about themselves for the most part. i still would love to make them digest their tongues once i a while but i don't.

The Internet has been a god-send to me in terms of helping me feel less alone, as well as providing me with emotional support. I have found that there is also a big downside to the Internet, however, at least for me. Each and every tragic story I've read has taught me about all of the things that can go wrong, all of the reasons a baby can be lost (and all of the times no reason can be found). It has shed a light on all the ways a baby can be sick. It has spelled out in stark terms the fact that, just because a person experienced one loss, does not make them immune from another.

This post rocked me. I am sitting back on my heels and shaking my head to clear it. Wow.

I don’t have time to write a coherent post, due to lack of sleep etc. Please find below some unconnected comments about how life is here for me at the moment. I was just wondering if any of it rings a bell for anyone else. All comments welcome....

he death of my son lev, at 38 weeks, left me in a spiritual crisis. getting pregnant after ttc for a while and then finally being pregnant, i felt so blessed, like my prayers were finally answered. i believed our child was special and we needed to wait for him. in my moments of worry i put my trust in a higher power and prayed for my baby to be healthy and strong. i had faith. and then when he died i felt deeply betrayed and cursed. i felt like god really got me good.

Oh, ppphhhhhh… 

What do I do now?

She’s been gone longer than she was here, even counting the time she was inside me.

I’ve passed all of the first anniversaries: her ultrasound, the day she was born, the day she died on both the Jewish and Gregorian calendars.

We’ve anticipated her arrival.

Hoped deeply.

Said hello, welcomed our second child to the big world.

Loved unconditionally.

Taken her outside to breathe fresh real air.

Said goodbye.

Buried her fragile little body in a tiny coffin in the ground.

Thanks Tash! Your post meant a lot to me. I too have horrid in-laws who have also cause wounds too deep to heal during this time of grief. Thank you for your honest words and affirmation. Isn't it crazy how after we have experienced something like this we can just see through all the BS and "Fake". What do I do with this new knowledge about people? Amazing how God reveals things to us and what He reveals... I just wish I knew what to do with it all. Pray is my friend at the moment. I am constantly reminded after everything I have endured that at least I can "see the light".

Eve - so good to hear the hope in your voice and post. I would agree with Eliza that A Grief Observed is powerful stuff. I've always found C.S. Lewis' works to be great food for thought. My support group last week (meets monthly sponsored by the hospital where we had Elizabeth - I had the sort of wonderful experience you just had with nurses and chaplains and paranatal bereavement folks) talked a lot about faith and growing in faith and being angry with God, asking why yet not getting an answer.

It is so good to have a catch up of how everyone is doing. Those of you TTC - you are all on my heart. Praying for a Glow In The Woods BABY BOOM!!!!!

So, in the last couple of months, I have had to face something that I had not yet faced. Baby showers! Yes, it has been five years since I lost my last baby and I have managed to escape all baby showers. I have lost three babies. Ones I miscarried at one month and two at five. I did go to one after I lost my first and second one, but by that time I was pregnant with my third one so it was not bad because I was looking forward to mine. In the last three months, I have been invited to three.