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what a gift you have for putting into words some of my feelings - some of the things we ALL feel. Betrayal. How right you are. Betrayed by the genes I passed on to my son. Him betrayed by his own multiplying cells. (He died quickly and unexpectedly of a brain tumor when he was eight weeks old.) In my own blog, I wrote not long ago that I miss the naivete of believing that healthy pregnancies and healthy babies just HAPPEN for me.

Branwen, my heart goes out to you and your husband.
Thank you for your comforting words & guidance. Especially about God. I am working on letting God into my life a whole lot more. Allowing Gods love in, is helping me feel wrapped up in a cozy blanket of comfort and peace.
Thank you for walking this path with me. Your words mean more than I can put into words.

Thank you for this post. There are two kinds of faith - untested and tested. Yours has been tested as has mine. It isn't to say that the tested faith is necessarily stronger, but you do at least know it's strength. Mine is more flakey around the edges since my daughter Abigail died and more so still since I was told we will not be able to have more children but...

annie,
the phrase 'cautiously optimistic' comes to mind. but so does 'complete denial'.

i think its different for everyone going thru this.
some women have very pragmatic views upon having a miscarriage. and some are incredibly attached to a pregnancy from the first cell splitting.

We are now, finally, after much deliberation and discussion, seeing a therapist. nothing spiritual. All practical. I'm not looking for philosophical reasons - looking for ways to make me not want to punch people in the face. All the time. Even when I'm smiling on the outside. I think she is definitely a good thing for us right now. Don't know for how long, but right now, yes. It is working.

It is the first time I post here...
It has been a little more than a year since I lost my son Alejandro. He was stillborn at 40 weeks. The cause was never found out.

She was so perfect but too small to live."

photo by dysonology

Assalamu aleikum, peace be to all of you.

My husband is a Catholic, we had a priest come to offer us words of comfort from the bible after our son died. I believe he felt that comforting presence, although I was so far into grief I couldn't feel it. Today, he is coming to peace, I think he's had that moment of clarity you speak of. I wish I had it, even for a brief moment. I have the hope I will get it, eventually.

When I lay on the operating table muttering frantic prayers into an oxygen mask while they bagged my son and tried to stop the bleeding that threatened to take me too, my relationship with the God I’d always known and taken comfort in cracked, crumbled and eventually simply fell away.

Dakota's entire being was made up of faith and magic.

I first visioned this child as a young girl, showing up randomly in my dreams and meditation. She gave her father and I the same night time dream one night. We were both floored to discover we'd had the exact same dream, down to the details.

We went up to Paradise at Mount Rainier, and there in the snow, in all capital letters: DAKOTA. We drove up to Neah Bay, stopping at an overlook along the way, and there on a boulder, in all capital letters, spray-painted in blue: DAKOTA.