So, in the last couple of months, I have had to face something that I had not yet faced. Baby showers! Yes, it has been five years since I lost my last baby and I have managed to escape all baby showers. I have lost three babies. Ones I miscarried at one month and two at five. I did go to one after I lost my first and second one, but by that time I was pregnant with my third one so it was not bad because I was looking forward to mine. In the last three months, I have been invited to three. I went to the first one because I knew it was really important to her that I go and show my love and support. It was the first one since losing Josh and it was tough. I was happy for her, but, could not help having some emotions thinking about what I missed with all three of mine and would never get to experience. It was a new mom glowing with expectation and joy so sweet. But, bitter-sweet for me and it really took a lot out of me. The following week I was invited to go to another one, but it was two hours out-of-town so I respectfully declined and sent my best wishes to the mom to be. This week they had a baby shower at work, for a coworker, and I just could not do it. I gave my money for the office gift, but went to lunch with my husband during the party. I think many people didn't understand why I left, but one of my coworkers actually got it. She came to my office before the party and asked me if I was okay with everything. She was so nice to check on me, it meant a lot.
These events got me to thinking "am I really ready to help others?" After some prayer and thought the answer is no "I" am not and "I" will never be ready or able to help anyone. If I wait till "I" am ready, then I will never do anything and all my hurts will be wasted. God however does not waste a hurt and if I will put "me, myself' and I" aside and just let Him have control of my life then He can do great things. I can be comfortable just taking care of me and dealing with my hurts living in my bubble of safety or I can get uncomfortable and stop thinking about am "I" ready. God has such great timing for His messages because yesterday was the baby shower at work and I was so focused on myself and can "I" do this. Last night we went to dinner with some friends and my husband and my friend's husband were having a bit of a theological discussion. They really did know what I was thinking about all day, they were just talking. God, however, in all his awesomeness used that as and opportunity to speak directly to me. They got to talking about how too many people are caught up in thinking about themselves. They were talking about the fact that if we focus on just fixing ourselves we can't be doing God's work and that is not how God intended us to work. One of them even said something like "if we wait until we are okay and ready we will never do anything because we will never be ready this side of heaven." This was spot on, exactly what I needed to hear. God is amazing and speaks to us in simple ways. He spoke very clearly to me and here I am today ready to continue working on what He has called me to do. I know in time even baby showers will get more and more easy.
Galatians 2:20 I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.
Blessings to You all,