2

I am sorry for your loss. I lost my child 2 years nine months and 15 days ago. The rage and pain is still with me. I have my wife most of the time to vent with. She has the same pain as i do. I also went bowling at lot (my hobby) i was able to release a tone of tention by flinging the ball down the lane as fast as i could for several hours. I always have to remind myself now and then that people are stupid. They only think about themselves for the most part. i still would love to make them digest their tongues once i a while but i don't.

The Internet has been a god-send to me in terms of helping me feel less alone, as well as providing me with emotional support. I have found that there is also a big downside to the Internet, however, at least for me. Each and every tragic story I've read has taught me about all of the things that can go wrong, all of the reasons a baby can be lost (and all of the times no reason can be found). It has shed a light on all the ways a baby can be sick. It has spelled out in stark terms the fact that, just because a person experienced one loss, does not make them immune from another.

This post rocked me. I am sitting back on my heels and shaking my head to clear it. Wow.

I don’t have time to write a coherent post, due to lack of sleep etc. Please find below some unconnected comments about how life is here for me at the moment. I was just wondering if any of it rings a bell for anyone else. All comments welcome....

he death of my son lev, at 38 weeks, left me in a spiritual crisis. getting pregnant after ttc for a while and then finally being pregnant, i felt so blessed, like my prayers were finally answered. i believed our child was special and we needed to wait for him. in my moments of worry i put my trust in a higher power and prayed for my baby to be healthy and strong. i had faith. and then when he died i felt deeply betrayed and cursed. i felt like god really got me good.

Oh, ppphhhhhh… 

What do I do now?

She’s been gone longer than she was here, even counting the time she was inside me.

I’ve passed all of the first anniversaries: her ultrasound, the day she was born, the day she died on both the Jewish and Gregorian calendars.

We’ve anticipated her arrival.

Hoped deeply.

Said hello, welcomed our second child to the big world.

Loved unconditionally.

Taken her outside to breathe fresh real air.

Said goodbye.

Buried her fragile little body in a tiny coffin in the ground.

Thanks Tash! Your post meant a lot to me. I too have horrid in-laws who have also cause wounds too deep to heal during this time of grief. Thank you for your honest words and affirmation. Isn't it crazy how after we have experienced something like this we can just see through all the BS and "Fake". What do I do with this new knowledge about people? Amazing how God reveals things to us and what He reveals... I just wish I knew what to do with it all. Pray is my friend at the moment. I am constantly reminded after everything I have endured that at least I can "see the light".

I am loosing it today. I am so numb. I never really woke up this morning; my mind is in such a fog. What a crummy day! What really happened… nothing, nothing except I lost my son; my son who looked like my dad and me. Who had my dads’ chin and mouth and ears. Why did this happen? I found a white crocheted blanket today. It made me mad. Why didn’t I think of this when I was in the hospital? I could have wrapped Leo in this blanket. UGH! I am so pissed at myself today. Anger fills me quickly these days… worse than normal. And what the fuck is with my so-called friend Samantha?

Angie--Such an interesting post. Your way with words is amazing and definitely sends my mind off to thinking about wonderful things. But also, reading your readers' comments. It is all so encouraging to read how other BLMs regard their little ones' spirits. I have become much more spiritual and less religious since Chase died and yearn so badly for some sign, some point of contact, something nearly tangible, if I could.