he death of my son lev, at 38 weeks, left me in a spiritual crisis. getting pregnant after ttc for a while and then finally being pregnant, i felt so blessed, like my prayers were finally answered. i believed our child was special and we needed to wait for him. in my moments of worry i put my trust in a higher power and prayed for my baby to be healthy and strong. i had faith. and then when he died i felt deeply betrayed and cursed. i felt like god really got me good.
i believed that karma had something to do with my loss. i believed i was being punished for my mother giving up a baby. i believed lev was the sacrifice.
i have also been drawn to buddhism. i always dappled as well but now i feel like i've sought out the teachings for my survival. also feeling like the jewish spiritual beliefs and practices i had no longer work for me.
i don't know what i believe now. sometimes i still feel cursed and karmically chosen. but most of the time i try to focus on the teachings of suffering and attachment. i have been listening to pema chodron and eckart tolle and these teachers have helped me. but honestly in the weeks and first months after lev's death none of those teachings felt relevant. i read every book on babyloss and still birth i could find. every mother's story. and i read 'why bad things happen to good people'. but could not reconcile my loss and suffering with a belief in a just god.
i could go on and on to say that i am still struggling. i don't think i'll every understand why lev died, i don't think there is a reason or some deep important meaning. but i am trying to find some way to survive and grow.
oh and therapy. yes, i have been seeing a therapist. but i don't know if i'd say that it's helped that much. it's a piece, a place to talk and be heard.