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She was so perfect but too small to live."

photo by dysonology

Assalamu aleikum, peace be to all of you.

Dakota's entire being was made up of faith and magic.

I first visioned this child as a young girl, showing up randomly in my dreams and meditation. She gave her father and I the same night time dream one night. We were both floored to discover we'd had the exact same dream, down to the details.

We went up to Paradise at Mount Rainier, and there in the snow, in all capital letters: DAKOTA. We drove up to Neah Bay, stopping at an overlook along the way, and there on a boulder, in all capital letters, spray-painted in blue: DAKOTA.

I have scars I didn't have, physically. I have more cynicism and less Faith. I have more wisdom. I have a greater capacity to love my living children. I have a tighter than tight bond with my husband. I have a greater knowledge of how loved I am. I have a VERY different view of God and why he does and does not do some things. I am not as lighthearted about some things.

And really, I am finally learning to be ok with who I have become since that line in the sand of my life was drawn. There's a very different person on this side of the change, and I am settling into it.

You put into words EXACTLY how I felt. My faith was tested and I was angry, but I was oh so fearful that He would take something else I loved away from me. So I kept silent. Four years later and I am closer to God. I pray that even though your faith has been tested by fire, you will be able to find your way closer than ever to God. (1 John 1:7)

I have become a little, ahem, obsessed with Day of the Dead. Only 2 days of reading about it. I'd heard of Day of the Dead, and seen news footage of people in Mexico dressed up and celebrating. I've thought, 'how nice to embrace it and not fear it'. Then, forgot about it until I read about it again on someone's blog.

I also like ritual, and couldn't have said these words better myself: "Because above all else, I am a ritualist. I like rites. I like routine. I like customs. I like ceremony. I like something to do over and over because it is. What. We. Do."

I have been doing really well lately. When my son pulled up on the shelf next to our bed and pointed to his sister's picture and said, "that?" I was able to say with a steady voice, "that's your sister, honey."

When Bad Things Happen to Good People, by Harold Kushner - I'm reading this one now and it's really been a great book for me. Like what scm said about Healing Through Dark Emotions, it's making me understand that my own loss is a natural part of life. The big picture helps keep things in perspective. It's also prompted me to reconsider my previous views on God and religion which is helpful on another level.

I must sit and chew on this for a while before I can articulate how my experiences sit with me. I'm still new to this. And old to this. Sixteen months ago I birthed Beckett. And 4 months ago I birthed Sullivan. And I had to introduce these cold, dead and beautiful boys to my living children and show them that no matter what life gives us we still can survive. I don't know how to do this on a number of days, but I do.

I had very strong, religious convictions before Emma died ... I have spent three and a half years wandering around in an agnostic, sad haze wondering just what my daughter is now and where she is. I am rediscovering my faith, gradually and differently and my response to that picture is different now to how it might have been just a few months ago. I feel privilege ... privilege that in the immensity of the universe, in the huge vastness .. she was not an accident.

"May the pains of past bereavements grow more gentle;
Indeed, let them be transformed into gratitude to our dear ones who have died
And tenderness to those who are still with us."

What amazing words. I don't think I can add much to what Erica said in her comment. I too lost faith and am in the process of resdiscovering what is left, what can grow, what can thrive.