I must sit and chew on this for a while before I can articulate how my experiences sit with me. I'm still new to this. And old to this. Sixteen months ago I birthed Beckett. And 4 months ago I birthed Sullivan. And I had to introduce these cold, dead and beautiful boys to my living children and show them that no matter what life gives us we still can survive. I don't know how to do this on a number of days, but I do.
I don't hate God through all of this. Over the past 8 years he/she and I have found a very different, yet closer, relationship than that I was taught in my Christian upbringing. And the verse that I cling to even now is my life mantra.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I will fear no evil.
I'm there. I am IN that valley. Every day for the rest of my life I will either be in it, stumbling up the side, laying at the bottom of it sobbing or looking down into it as I walk along the edge. And yet I feel a peace and comfort that is so much bigger than me...a peace that passes ALL understanding.