pale blue dot (comment)

I had very strong, religious convictions before Emma died ... I have spent three and a half years wandering around in an agnostic, sad haze wondering just what my daughter is now and where she is. I am rediscovering my faith, gradually and differently and my response to that picture is different now to how it might have been just a few months ago. I feel privilege ... privilege that in the immensity of the universe, in the huge vastness .. she was not an accident. Her life might have been brief and entirely interior but I believe she was created and that the minuteness of her existence does not negate the precious importance of it. I believe in a creator and the creator of that wonderful, mind bending expanse also created my child. I have felt very sorry for myself and for Emma, for the life she is missing out on. I think that has finally dissipated - I still feel a profound sense of unfairness but I also feel the gift of her being - of her little self being knitting together out of stardust and our genes. She is not an angel but I believe she still is ... somewhere. And I believe that one day I'll be there too.