Altered relationship with community of faith
Eve,
My daughter's name was Jenna.
I love that you asked.
I think about you and Abby and WIll a lot.
I just wanted to add that I hide from church too, sometimes, and I was hoping to convince you not to feel bad about it. It's good to protect yourself as much as possible from fake converstations or superficial talk. Church is a land mine for that.
I am sorry it is so hard for you and I care.
I hope for you,
Diana
This has happened to me. My sister in law had a son 6 months after my daughter died. I was just honest and told them I couldn't be around babies because it was too painful. That this was universal, any baby harms me not just them, and that I would let them know when I was feeling more capable. For me, around 4 months when a baby has head control, it gets easier.
We were told something similar and mentioned it to the minister performing our son's funeral. To begin the service, she announced, "God doesn't want babies to die. God is the first to mourn when a child dies...."
It was such a powerful way to start the service and to this breaking heart, it was so much easier to hear something along the lines of God wanting my baby to make it just as much as I did. That we both had been on the sidelines, cheering my baby along.
I was told two things, one from a Christian and one from a Buddhist, both helped and I hope they help you.
Yesterday a friend came over to comfort me. She respectfully waited a month since my daughter's death to give me space, she said.
Then she continued to explain that God only makes perfect, so she explained in her words that my daughter must not have been perfect and He knew it. That is why he took her. I WISH I could have done or said something beyond standing there in shock and tears.
I wish I could tell everyone that tells me to be grateful that "At least your daughter lived and is healthy" that just because I have one healthy baby doesn't cancel out the fact that there were two. My daughter's health is not balance for my son's death, it doesn't cancel it out. Yes, I do have a baby whereas many women leave the hospital empty handed, but I was pregnant with TWO, the second being my only son who has died.
My kibble are my friends in the computer. No matter how profound, or articulate, or mundane, or short. I've found so much here that's given me strength and peace and reassurance.
Otherwise I haven't found one. I've picked up my Buddhism books, but keep throwing them across the room in frustration. (how zen!) I loved Amy Bloom's Away, fiction, but with lots of thought-provoking nuggets. Otherwise I stick to sports and the crossword and let the mind go where it needs.
Sophia - I love your message on why you shaved your head. Kind of like grabbing the grief by the balls and saying, 'let's do this - bring it on'. I wish I was that gutsy.
Alienated: To cause to become withdrawn or unresponsive; isolate or dissociate emotionally. This was me for several months. Disengaged from every one around me, as if watching life go on from behind a glass wall.
It has been 6 years since our son was born-still. 6 years since my life was turned upside down and inside out. I did seek traditional 'talk' therapy after his death. But it didn't help much except to insure I'd get out of bed everyday and continue being a productive member of society.