Alienated: To cause to become withdrawn or unresponsive; isolate or dissociate emotionally. This was me for several months. Disengaged from every one around me, as if watching life go on from behind a glass wall.
What I gained was an understanding of despair and grief. I learned how long I could be angry at myself and be unforgiving of myself. I learned not to ask "could things get any worse" because just when I thought I was at bottom, somehow I was lowered again into a pit of heartache until there was almost nothing left identifiable as "Amy, the happy wife and stepmom." I have still not recovered 100% and have accepted I never will reclaim the Amy from "before."
I learned that sometimes there is no answer to the question "Why?" and to stop asking it.
I learned many people are ill-equipped to comfort you, and say things mostly to comfort themselves and protect themselves from their own hurt.
I learned to hate. This was the first time in my 34 years I had ever truly felt hate, and it was directed at me, for losing Solomon. I felt like a failure, that God was mad at me.
What I gained was a yardstick of how I measure the happenings in my life. I can discern what is important much better, and can let go of the small stuff. Unless the house is on fire or someone is dying, most day-to-day issues are not crises. Broken items can be fixed or replaced, wounds can be palliated.
I learned I can survive.