3

5 weeks ago our baby Alice was born at 20 weeks and died a short time after. I am not religious. I don't believe in God, or heaven or the power of prayer. My husband is a scientist and his parents are atheists and although I was sent to church as a child, I have not believed in God since I was a child.

When Alice first died I thought it would be easier if I did believe - easier to explain to our 2 1/2 year old where Alice has gone. But we didn't. We explained the facts the best we could and continue to talk about it.

I hear ya! Evan was supposed to be our magical child as well, pre-destined by over a year when someone reading my husband's tarot cards told him "your first child will be a son, he will make you proud" Followed by a spring Equinox egg painting wish ritual during which we painted the wish of a baby on our eggs, then went home and made Evan. When they told he had passed away at 42 weeks, I was shocked, but he is magic, he cant die yet. I felt lied to and abandoned by my God's.

All I can do is gasp and nod and let the tears come, if they want.

I *hated* hearing, "at least you have Joshua;" *despised* receiving the "Congrats on Your Baby Boy!" cards only after my surviving son came home from the hospital; *resented* keeping silent because talking about our birth/death/NICU/what-have-you experiences were "too upsetting" for others.

I can't stand the fact that my MIL parades my youngest son around as the 'healthy' one, the 'natural' one-- the one who "came out perfect"... the same woman who told me that "God knew I couldn't handle two at once."

Oh Mandy, I wish I had a wise answer, or even some thoughts that might hold bits of wisdom...but all I can say is "Yes, me too, I understand."

I have become a little, ahem, obsessed with Day of the Dead. Only 2 days of reading about it. I'd heard of Day of the Dead, and seen news footage of people in Mexico dressed up and celebrating. I've thought, 'how nice to embrace it and not fear it'. Then, forgot about it until I read about it again on someone's blog.

I also like ritual, and couldn't have said these words better myself: "Because above all else, I am a ritualist. I like rites. I like routine. I like customs. I like ceremony. I like something to do over and over because it is. What. We. Do."

Dear heart:

I don't think God was any more impressed with her reasoning than you were. What a garbage response, attributing a nasty lie to God and disparaging your daughter's worth in one feel swoop. How dare she.

God doesn't love us because we're perfect. He loves us because he is. And he loves that darling, priceless, wonderful, beautiful, unique, carefully formed, delightful little sweetheart your womb grew for so many months.

It's always the Pharisee types who attribute their own ugly, sad views to God to make themselves feel better at everyone else's expense.

"Never say that everything happens for a reason. Never try to mollify them with talk of angels and meant-to-be's. Never say that God works in mysterious ways."

Yes, yes, and yes!

I'm a follower of Christ, but every time (and there were many times) someone said something stupid like this, I had the decidedly un-Christian urge to punch them in the nose.

The God's Will thing is so yicky. The only person who said such a thing to me was my husband's grandmother. I understand that it is partly her way of coping, but I made myself feel better by sending her a copy of Rabbi Kushner's book "When Bad Things Happen to Good People." He talks about the possibility of a God that is infinitely good but perhaps not in charge of everything that happens--the difference between random fate and God's goodness.

My husband's grandmother alluded to the same thing--something like, "God has a plan and there must have been some reason for this." I don't know if she meant a specific physical reason or what, but I bristled at it because it sounded just like the kind of words I remember people saying when I was younger and one of my cousins had a miscarriage, words I accepted at the time but now I completely disagree with: "These things happen for a reason... there must have been something wrong with the baby..."

I've got nothing signitficant to add, just wanted to say i'm thinking of you. I have found this issue very hard as has everyone above. For me, it's the newborn babies that are the hardest. That and the birth announcements. I have one baby in our close social circles that was born about 5 months after we lost our Salome: another 3rd daughter to the family, same Obst, same hospital, VERY different outcome ie they got a healthy baby to take home. That whole situation was fraught for me.