Anon, I struggle with this too. bah ask forgiveness. I think like others said that's just silly. I think it's perfectly okay to be pissed, angry and question beliefs.
Most of the time I find little to no support from God. I'm still in so much pain. I'm still struggling with loss and infertility. I continue to pray and sincerly try not to pray just selfishly. There are so many who are hurting. I'm angry that I don't feel guided by God and that my prayers haven't been answered.
That being said, I believe in God. I just can't let go of that belief. It's part of me. I guess God is a part of me. A big part of me actually wants to let go of God. Because I'm so angry and missing my Caleb so, but I just can't stop praying. My Dad died the year before we lost our son. Unexpectedly he was gone, but in my core I believe my Dad and my son are in a place with no pain, just happiness and comfort.
Some days it is so difficult to see the positives. In fact today I've struggled, but eventually I am able to sit back and take a deep breath and remind myslelf that I am so thankful for all the blessings. My Caleb was and is a blessing. He gave us so much hope that a family is possible. We seriously had begun giving up hope when we concived him. Yes, I believe God blessed me with my boy.
I'm so sorry you lost your son. I hope you don't let yourself feel guilty over these completely normal questions and feelings. I think so many of us completely relate. I'm wishing you more good moments than bad and some peace, somehow. At minimum we'll support you here.
struggle, but also affirmation of belief; belief in afterlife strong and a source of comfort