God are you real

Hi all,i knw a lot of ladies here have found hope and much comfort in their beliefs bt im having serious issues with god.its bn 6 months since i gave birth to my sleeping baby boy,the hardest thing i ever had to do.during those very dark days,i prayed very hard for god to help but ive never felt more alone than in those days,i grew up a christian and dedicatrd myself to god and his purpose but i cant seem to get over the fact that he cant be alivr, no loving father willingly lets his child go throug wht a i went through just because its "his purpose",how sick is that?surely this god thing has to be what us as human beings have created just coz we want to believe in something?
Come to think of it,in those brain washed days when i gave everything to god he nrver did anything for me.i just gave praise to him for all of my hard work and achievements.

One of my cousins who is a babyloss mama nd a strict christian came to visit me the other day and told me how i needed to ask forgiveness frm god since ive not made it a secret that i dont believe in the existence of god anymore,well,if he exists then he,s heartlrss.who needs a god like that anyway."ask fo forgiveness",like i went and raised his hopes high and then devided to kill his baby.im glad her religion helped her after the death of her child,in fact she's doing much better than me,but evrytime i think of god my blood boils,im beginning to think that i hate him.(very hard for me to type,ive thought about it but never said to anyone)i used to tell it to him in thevhope that he'l strike me down and kill me,yes im not scared,in fact i dare him.if there's a heaven i want nothing to do with it considering i have to be there with him,ha!id rather burn in hell.my biggest worry is the wellbeing of my son,where is he?im going crazy with this anger.

Thanks for reading my post,so soorry if i dont make se.nse,just needed to "talk" or rather rant.