my confession

dear Mary's mom: You are so brave to have expressed this fear; your confession. For I think of such things all the time but never had the courage to write it down until I saw your post. But what I feel is that the fact that you wrote it down shows your immeasurable love for your baby girl.

My son was born 8 weeks early and died after eleven days. I wanted a boy so much. I love my nieces a lot but for some reason I always wanted a son. I have a baby brother 8 years younger to me whom I took care of like my own baby so probably I was hoping to relive that experience. Plus strangely I never got along well with my mom but just loved my father. My H wanted a boy too. I got pregnant after some try. In my second month, to my horror, I caught myself thinking if it is a girl, its okay if I miscarry. That thought must have lasted less than a second but it shook me & I still remember it. Sometimes I think, God gave me a boy and then took him in such a tragic way to teach me a lesson.

When I were pregnant I was strangely scared that something bad may happen to my H. I'd always heard about women who lost their husbands tragically in an accident. I constantly worried and prayed for my H's safety while taking for granted my son's life. He was inside me, I took care of myself well. I could control my baby's life - those were my thoughts. Now, I know how wrong I was. I wish I had prayed and worried for my son too.

My son had gotten well in the nicu but fell ill suddenly one day. He was a cheerful baby otherwise but that day seeing him under the vent in such a bad shape..I just couldn't take it. I was made to believe everything was well the night earlier but this terrible shock came. I still remember standing outside the nicu that day and thinking -'enough god, end this ordeal'. I don't know what I meant by that. I too bartered with God that day desperately. But ultimately I lost and my son was gone.

Sorry for the long post but I hope you get some comfort reading all the messages here