Reading these beautiful posts, I am inspired to write here for the first time befor starting my own blog very soon. I have not so much experienced the hurt from the words of others as the opposite, in the lack of words and isolating silences. It is 6 months today that I lost my first child, Jasmine, at full term. Amongst the mirad of experieces and emotions recognised in this space, the silence of others has so far been the most difficult to bear. Whilst these posts have been in response to 'the speaking of', I identify with the resultant struggles from 'the speaking not!'. Also the experience of feeling'wobbly' as I swing between 'whose respomsibility is it?' - 'to say or not to say?, 'to be or not to be?. That is definitely the question and one which this crushing loss forces into our realities.
Like others here, my action or non action has been as varied as the people and situations with which I have been presented, to date. I willingly and lovingly one such here, with those who will 'get it'.... Yes, how much the other person has meant to me and the day to day relationship I share with that person has strongly influenced my choice of action or not.
I work as a Registered Nurse, in the Community, in the field of homelessness and mental health. This involves alot of contact with others in the mental health field and, by nature of their charity work, many from a variety of religious denominations. Whilst myself and my husband are blessed to hold deep running spiritual beliefs, they are not founded in one religion but hold many parellels with Christianity. Having returned back to work 3 months after losing Jasmine, amongst many people I have had to revisit and face, one is a Pastor, whom I shall call Tom. (not sure as to my motives for keeping his anonymity but I will anyway). My relationship with Tom is through work at a venue which provides free food and Christian sermons, to those homeless or in hardship. Therefore I am witness to Tom standing before the mulitudes and openly preaching of faith, love, Jesus Christ and 'being there' for those who come to his venue. In other words, overtly clear in the place he stands with regards to love, life, the universe and anyone willing!
Having encountered many conversations with Tom in the build up to our wedding last year and Jasmine this year I was profoundly struck by 'Tom's silence', the first 3 times I met him when returning to work. His first words to me, as he patted me on the back were, 'you're back regularly now are you?'. I responded, with a smile - 'yes I am back mow'. that was it!!! Following the next 2 shallow interactions in which Jasmine or myself were not even mentioned, iIfound myself feeling increasingly hurt and then angry at the fucking hypocritical Christians, who I may add did not stand on their own in this ever increasing list of mine! HOW COULD HE STAND THERE, LITERALLY STAND THERE, in that place, and not even come anywhere close to asking me, 'so how are you since your daughter died?. For Fuck's sake, I thought - and many more alike!! So on my fourth meeting with Tom, having whirled this one around and verbalised the idea with my therapist, I dug deep and pulled on the courage of Jasmine.
I requested a few minutes with Tom, to talk about something personal, not work related, and in private. I had already taken breaths and thought through the context of my approach (there we go, the context and responsibility). By now I knew that my questions to Tom where not just of him, but of the majority of those I work with in the 'caring profession!'. The fact that he was a Pastor and all that respresents, I think was the reason I felt able to approach him in a depth of honesty that was necessary for me.
I initailly tended to mother and nuture' Tom as I attempted to express my need to ask him some questions, mindful that this was not meant to be a 'finger pointing' exercise and that my wish was that he may take this as a compliment that I had thought of him as the first person with whom I felt able to speak so directly. I found myself being concerned that he would not feel hurt!. I asked Tom 'what is it in you that has stopped you from asking me how I am since my daughter died?'. I confirmed, as I knew, that he was aware of Jasmine's death before popping the question.
Tom's response was initally one of silence in which he altered his physical position to appear more attentive to me. His in breaths were noticable and his eyes welled with tears when he spoke. He spoke of recognising that he had treated me with a 'professional distance' since my return and reflected on the content of our past conversations in relation to my wedding and pregnancy. He spoke of his own sense of inadequacy (my words, not his exactly!) in not knowing what to say and if he should say something to upset me, what would he do then? As he heard his own words, Tom acknowledged that now I had asked and he had thought about this, why would it matter if I did cry? That his concern was more about what would he do? I confirmed that he did not have such power, as did anyone, to upset me but that my sadness was already there because my daughter died..... And, in fact, if my tears came following the concerned words from another, it was actually a good thing as crying was helping my healing, confirmingm to me, that the inability of others to make meaningful contact, is not often about the parent who has lost but about the other person's feelings of lack or discomfort in the face of practically the most devastating event that human being has to bear. Tom thanked me for speaking with him and spoke of feeling challenged by himself and knowing that this was a catalyst for his own personal growth.
I also sopke of my fantasy that our conversation may help those who looked up to him, in training and his wider community as I felt I spoke for the majority of parents who had lost a baby - saying nothing, for me, has been the most hurtful and difficult experience, following the deep trauma of losing Jasmine and choosing to step back into life, on many levels. Tom immediately reflected on a woman, in his Church community, who lost a baby last year and had just has a live, healthy baby. He spoke of how he had not talked with her, of her loss, and he could see this now...... Since our chat, I have seen Tom twice, and I feel there is now an unspoken depth to our relationship, with allows the joining, through the expression of enotions, when/if felt. This does not mean we have deep and meaningfuls at every contact but he calls me sunshine and really asks 'how are you' and I am very interested about his week also. For this is not all about me, but originates there and from my daughter which is one of many examples I am choosing to name as 'Jasmine's Flowers' - the name for my soon to be formed, BLOG!! In this case, it needed to be me who stepped up and whilst I experience much added sadness in the loss of relationships through the loss of my daughter, opportunities arise for new relationships. Some with those we already know and some still to be met - not that I would choose this path in any shaoe or form, but I choose to live in gentle reality these days, sensitive beyond words, at times, to the harshness of reality too. Thank you so much for your community and my belonging.xxx
story of confronting pastor about his failure to comfort and acknowledge