Leigh, I am so sorry for the loss of your little boy, and for your miscarriages. I can understand why you would feel numb at this point in time. I do think that you matter. Finding a good grief counselor has really helped me, is that something that you would consider?
My husband has been having a crisis of faith since our daughter died, we started attending a new church and our new pastor told him to "lean into his crisis." I thought that was a profound thing to say, don't back away from your pain, the hard questions, ask them, feel through the answers, no matter how hard. To not lean into these feelings and questions cuts us off from our relationships both earthly and otherwise. Perhaps that is what we all do here, lean into our grief together?