when grief comens

I feel like I live a fairly normal life during the day. I get up, go to work, exchange pleasantries, smile, appear engaged in conversations and then at night it hits me. I get my son to bed, retreat to my room and let the grief come pouring put of me. I agonize over my guilt and make myself think of what else could have made her die. I try to think really hard about what I may have done wrong. Then I think of life growing up with a daughter and I grieve not getting to have those unique life experiences with a little girl. I play the mother/daughter movie in my head, wail into the pillow and scream at God. Then I spend some time shopping for the perfect urn to keep Madeline's ashes in and I cry some more. Eventually I fall asleep and it starts all over again.

So is this normal behavior for being six weeks out from this tragedy? Is it normal to feel like if you exhale too hard a giant sob will come out? Does the feeling of equating wanting to get to hold your baby again with a drug addict going through withdrawal, make sense?

There is no handbook on how to do this. I've had a sinus infection for three weeks and I joke my grief is coming out in the form of snot. I feel as if there is a two ton brick of despair of my shoulder and I'm exhausted. My biggest fear is as her due date approaches, will I sink deeper into this grief? I don't know how to do any of this. I wasn't suppose to have to navigate down the road of getting through the pain losing my daughter. And I know I will never get over it, but I do hope to get through it.