This really rang a bell with me. I recently sat down and blogged about this very thing - the "unexpected" losses that came with losing my twin boys after they were born. I'm My blog post was rather long, so I won't copy the whole thing here - but here are some highlights on each point:
Belief system. To say that my belief system as a whole was rocked to its core would not be an understatement. Prior to this, I used to say (and really believed) that things happen for a reason. It was a way to explain disappointments and remain focused on something good to come. It worked during the loss of my grandparents, through my miscarriage and failed fertility treatments, etc. And at the risk of offending, I will say the whole concept of “God’s plan”, which is akin to “things happen for a reason” no longer makes sense to me.
Confidence. I had no idea that with grief, I would somehow lose my confidence, my sense of resourcefulness that regardless of what happens, I will somehow land on my feet and figure out a way to survive. That lack of confidence spread to so many other areas of my life – confidence with friends, relationships, business, etc. It all took a big hit.
Hope. Well, it shouldn’t have been a surprise that the day Trace died (just days after we lost Quinn), pretty much all of the last threads of a sense of hope died too. I didn’t feel like it was worth it to hope for anything, because the result would be more dashed dreams or disappointments.
Relationships. Of course I never anticipated the impact grief would have on my relationships. Now, here’s the surprise – with some friends, it strengthened our relationship in a way that nothing else could. With some, it established new relationships that otherwise would likely never have been made. But the sad part is that there are a few relationships – some very close, some more casual, that will be forever damaged by this experience.
Fear. Perhaps this is one of the worst demons that arrived with my grief. With a lack of confidence and hope, fear is quick to march in and take over the show.
I will say that the passage of time does make everything easier. The loss will never be okay – I will never be my old self. But I will survive, and my life will go on – hopefully with a little confidence, a dash of hope, a little less fear, and relationships that will support me through whatever ups and downs life will bring my way.