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what a gift you have for putting into words some of my feelings - some of the things we ALL feel. Betrayal. How right you are. Betrayed by the genes I passed on to my son. Him betrayed by his own multiplying cells. (He died quickly and unexpectedly of a brain tumor when he was eight weeks old.) In my own blog, I wrote not long ago that I miss the naivete of believing that healthy pregnancies and healthy babies just HAPPEN for me.

We had other names picked out for our baby until we found out he had trisomy 18. We found out at our first ultrasound (19 weeks), not the condition, but that there were so many things about him that were "incompatible with life." Once we found out all the issues we asked to know the sex, too, because we figured we knew everything else about him... We almost immediately and unanimously named him Emmanuel. It means "God is with us." We were so convinced that God was in our pain with us, even crying with us, it was such a comfort.

Freya,

I know you don't know me, so it's okay if this doesn't help, but I want to tell you that I don't think of you as a failure. I think of you as a loving mama who had the worst thing imaginable happen to her. I don't think of any of the moms and dads here on Glow as failures.

I was told two things, one from a Christian and one from a Buddhist, both helped and I hope they help you.

Heather, your friend sounds like a nut (sorry...but WTF???). Does she know ANYTHING about religion?

We are human; ergo, not perfect.

Your daughter was beautiful, loved and perfect in YOUR eyes.

God is not here to judge and remove "imperfect" beings. S/he is here to hold us as we weep, carry us through dark days, and surround us with love.

ThAnk-you both for your kind words. And may God give you the strengh needed to travel this road. I know God had a purpose for our loss and till this day i cant say i figured out why he picked us. I am afraid that i havent learned the lesson and fearful that every pregnancy will end
the same way.....

I don't think you need to ask God's forgiveness for grief. That's silly. After I lost Calypso my faith was stronger.

The day before Calypso died I sat at her bedside and cried tears and prayed. I told God that if she was hurting he needed to take her home. Because I didn't want her to hurt anymore. 24 hours later she was gone and I was crushed but at the same time I KNEW we'd be together someday.

What a good post. And good questions. I do believe spiritually that my girl existed with us for awhile. I would hear a stream or a river and think of her immediately. I don't know why water would do that for me and my head. I do think spirituality has explained this very well for me. Physically and psychologically everything says this can't really exist, because it's not real. But, for me, the signs are spiritual signs that she existed, that I was dreaming for her.