Quest for meaning
Why are we here? All of us, I mean, humanity? Philosophers have been at this for millennia. So have uncounted and uncountable others. What we call regular people. Happy, unhappy, kind, lonely, content, brilliant, sad, successful, lovely, mean-- all kinds of people.
I'm typically a non-believer when it comes to spiritual matters. BUT, today I left a message on my dead friend's Facebook page asking him to look out for Juniper. My friend died a year and a half ago. He never got to have a family of his own. When we dated our song was Michelle Shocked's "when I grow up". He wanted that"hundred and twenty babies" she sang about and never got to have one.
You're not crazy. I like to think of them [lost babies of parents on Glow] up there together.
Not long after Matilda died, I had a nightmare that centered around there being no one up there to look after her. She's been the first loss of a family member I've been close too so in my dream I was worried about her. But now I know about all these other beautiful babies for her to play with.
Thank you for this post. Holding in mind at the same time both the absolute insignificance and crazy miraculous significance of life has always been my personal religion, as far as I have one. I think most of the time, even now, it brings me peace.
We had other names picked out for our baby until we found out he had trisomy 18. We found out at our first ultrasound (19 weeks), not the condition, but that there were so many things about him that were "incompatible with life." Once we found out all the issues we asked to know the sex, too, because we figured we knew everything else about him... We almost immediately and unanimously named him Emmanuel. It means "God is with us." We were so convinced that God was in our pain with us, even crying with us, it was such a comfort.
Freya,
I know you don't know me, so it's okay if this doesn't help, but I want to tell you that I don't think of you as a failure. I think of you as a loving mama who had the worst thing imaginable happen to her. I don't think of any of the moms and dads here on Glow as failures.
I was told two things, one from a Christian and one from a Buddhist, both helped and I hope they help you.
Heather, your friend sounds like a nut (sorry...but WTF???). Does she know ANYTHING about religion?
We are human; ergo, not perfect.
Your daughter was beautiful, loved and perfect in YOUR eyes.
God is not here to judge and remove "imperfect" beings. S/he is here to hold us as we weep, carry us through dark days, and surround us with love.
ThAnk-you both for your kind words. And may God give you the strengh needed to travel this road. I know God had a purpose for our loss and till this day i cant say i figured out why he picked us. I am afraid that i havent learned the lesson and fearful that every pregnancy will end
the same way.....
I don't think you need to ask God's forgiveness for grief. That's silly. After I lost Calypso my faith was stronger.
The day before Calypso died I sat at her bedside and cried tears and prayed. I told God that if she was hurting he needed to take her home. Because I didn't want her to hurt anymore. 24 hours later she was gone and I was crushed but at the same time I KNEW we'd be together someday.