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I have always been an Atheist. I had some brief introductions to religion, but on the whole I was raised on science and facts.  That is how I lived my life.

Do I really want to be a part of the Dead Babies Club? Can't I just do this myself, keep my feelings and perspective away from anyone or anything that I feel like I have to defend against?

I could be in the park right now. Sun, shining down. Me, dreaming up. Blue sky, above. Green grass, below. Is not this the purest connection to God? A clear head, feeling no differentiation between me and God and no distance from Source?

Sounds great.

Who are you kidding?

I hear You. It actually sounds boring.

All I can do is gasp and nod and let the tears come, if they want.

I *hated* hearing, "at least you have Joshua;" *despised* receiving the "Congrats on Your Baby Boy!" cards only after my surviving son came home from the hospital; *resented* keeping silent because talking about our birth/death/NICU/what-have-you experiences were "too upsetting" for others.

I can't stand the fact that my MIL parades my youngest son around as the 'healthy' one, the 'natural' one-- the one who "came out perfect"... the same woman who told me that "God knew I couldn't handle two at once."

Danielle, grief waves come and go for me. I actually refer to them sometimes as grief bursts. Sometimes they happen when I least expect it. Wishing you peace.

Anon, I struggle with this too. bah ask forgiveness. I think like others said that's just silly. I think it's perfectly okay to be pissed, angry and question beliefs.

Most of the time I find little to no support from God. I'm still in so much pain. I'm still struggling with loss and infertility. I continue to pray and sincerly try not to pray just selfishly. There are so many who are hurting. I'm angry that I don't feel guided by God and that my prayers haven't been answered.

I dont think you need to punish yourself on your due date, not at all. You SHOULD go for a massage or do something that makes you feel good. I firmly believe that if an afterlife exists then our babies are rooting for us in the most positive ways -- I think they truly and wholly want us to heal and be happy. Don't feel like a jerk getting a massage because your baby passed away, that's just another guilt mechanism that derails us I think. My love to you both.

Eliza, I read the same book, and ironically it helped me! lol, but everyone is in a different place. And yes, I am certainly not immune to being terrified at the possibility of another loss by some other means. A friend online told me that the "odds" are with me that I will not experience another loss, but we won the unlucky lottery with Henry's birth complications (which only supposedly happen in 0.1% of breach births, which only make up 3 -4% of birth totals anyway) and that hasn't been much comfort..

Love is born
with a dark and troubled face
When hope is dead
and in the most unlikely place
Love is born;
Love is always born
- Leunig

This quote is mighty.

Oh my Lord Angie, this is beautiful. Word.

One year ago today my boy died. On the 21st of December. I knew Lucia was December, but didn't know she was the same date. Gasp.

Joseph Gabriel.

Dear Texan,

I happen to be a little bit of an expert on this. Ironically, I'm writing my dissertation on Thomas Aquinas and the early embryo...so, lots of stuff about how the Church has viewed the nature and fate of embryos and fetuses.