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There was no physical reason of Eszter's death. One day me&her were both fine and happy, the next day she didn't move anymore. The post mortem didn't give a reason either. She was a healthy, dead baby.
Yes. the whole world died with her.
I think that altough I have a living daughter too.

I also argue with myself about an afterlife... I don't know whether there is one or not, at least the way that we identify and recognize each other in this life, but love the idea of seeing my little girl again. I sometimes talk to her and imagine that she is in a good place, that she can har me and know how much I miss her and love her and that if she could, she would tell me, "Don't worry Mama, I'm doing fine. I see you and the family every day and I love you too. Try not to be too sad for me." But it's so, so hard. I cry just writing this.

Alienated: To cause to become withdrawn or unresponsive; isolate or dissociate emotionally. This was me for several months. Disengaged from every one around me, as if watching life go on from behind a glass wall.

Personally, I have found peace in several ideas from Eastern Religion. Below are excerpts of the letter my sister read at Ellis's funeral. I have found comfort in her words:

I really lucked out with therapy -- I called a grief counsellor within a week of Maddy's death, and kept going for almost two years (still trip back if I have some IL to pound out). She was patient, intelligent, supportive without being sticky (especially regarding parenting Bella through my grief), and a wonderful sounding board to everything. I think mostly I had to process shock for about a year, and then I could get into philosophy. We had a few ups/downs -- for a while it was extremely draining and I would often feel worse afterwards.

As Sally put it, physically, Katie's ashes were interred in a wall niche in a cemetery about a 15 minute drive from our house. Even after 13 years, we still visit just about every single weekend.

Interesting post, Angie. You've given me a lot to think about. In spiritual terms, I found a lot of comfort from the book "When Bad Things Happen to Good People" by Harold Kushner -- a Jewish rabbi & also a bereaved father.

I did not seek out individual counselling post-loss (although I did speak a few times in the weeks afterwards with the hospital social worker who had helped us). I did start attending a support group about a month later, which helped. There were no blogs then, but I also found an e-mail group, which was my daily lifeline.

We are now, finally, after much deliberation and discussion, seeing a therapist. nothing spiritual. All practical. I'm not looking for philosophical reasons - looking for ways to make me not want to punch people in the face. All the time. Even when I'm smiling on the outside. I think she is definitely a good thing for us right now. Don't know for how long, but right now, yes. It is working.

It is in our hands to plan and do everything to the best of our capabilities but the results are in the hands of God. The way in which every living being comes to earth depends on accumulated karma. The better our deeds, the better the opportunities we get in this life to perform better deeds. In the end some pious souls get freed from this cycle of rebirth.

She was so perfect but too small to live."

photo by dysonology

Assalamu aleikum, peace be to all of you.