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This really rang a bell with me. I recently sat down and blogged about this very thing - the "unexpected" losses that came with losing my twin boys after they were born. I'm My blog post was rather long, so I won't copy the whole thing here - but here are some highlights on each point:

LOVE this and relate so fully and completely to having your bubble "burst". I never thought I was naive. I had a miscarriage and saw tragedy in my life. But I still NEVER in a million years thought that "God" would suddenly and randomly take ONE of my twins a week before my induction date. I never entertained that idea, not in a million years. I felt protected somehow. Maybe it was because I was past all the danger zones and risks I had been warned about, who knows. What a kick in the gut.

I can tell that we are going through similar things...it just seems to be harder. I have been more silent because I find that I just don't have words to express so I don't even try. I can't imagine how you're getting through all that you have to...sounds like a huge move and visitors (with a three month old, no less!) We have also moved (though only about 6 miles) but I have been finding that very difficult. I think it's amazing that you can make a bench for Emily in your garden though, what a thoughtful idea!

Tomorrow is Nina's birthday and deathday, hatching and dispatching if you will. She would have been 4. I don't feel sorry for her. I'm relieved she got spared the agony which would have been her life on earth with trisomy 13. I like to believe that, according to my "faith", she is a happy angel somewhere with wings and a whole body. I like to believe we will be re-united oneday. But my perception of faith has changed for ever. In four years I haven't decided what to make of it. Yet.

Yes, we have a reason for our daughter's death. Down syndrome ... causing a structural lung abnormality and lung disease that is incompatible with life. We know the type of Down syndrome that she had (one of the rarest) -- we know the extent of her malformed and diseased lungs (again, another rare occurrence). We are fortunate that we have answers -- but the one answer I still crave is the answer to "why?" Yes, we are so incredibly lucky to be able to put our heads on our pillows at night and have no question about what happened -- medically, anyway.

dear Mary's mom: You are so brave to have expressed this fear; your confession. For I think of such things all the time but never had the courage to write it down until I saw your post. But what I feel is that the fact that you wrote it down shows your immeasurable love for your baby girl.

I don't think you need to ask God's forgiveness for grief. That's silly. After I lost Calypso my faith was stronger.

The day before Calypso died I sat at her bedside and cried tears and prayed. I told God that if she was hurting he needed to take her home. Because I didn't want her to hurt anymore. 24 hours later she was gone and I was crushed but at the same time I KNEW we'd be together someday.

I get it, I do. I feel the same way. I happy for the people who find comfort in God but I am not one of them . I feel like there is no way that God can be loving and then take our babies from us. Babies we loved, babies we wanted and then he lets other babies suffer living with people who don't love them, who don;t want them. What is the "purpose" of that. I am not afraid to say that if there is a God I am angry with him, that I can never forgive him for what he has done to me, to my husband, to my family. How can you take my sweet boy away.