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I actually have a relative who persists in asking me, 3 1/2 years on, why this all happened. What the meaning was behind Kai's death, behind Chip's. What I was meant to learn. And, 3 1/2 years on, it is all I can do to answer her calmly, to say that it doesn't work that way, when what I really want to do is smack her.

Hey, folks who put up this billboard of big blue eyed baby grinning toothlessly at us with big bold words saying "GOD IS PROLIFE!" - you need to Stop. And. THINK. about what you are saying.

I get what you intend.

But it doesn't feel very good to hear that God apparently is prolife unless it's MY babies. That apparently, according to your published worldview, God wants my babies to die (otherwise, they'd live, wouldn't they? Seeing's how God is all for life! Woooo!).

i continue to be jealous of those who come from a background that offers ritual. i have wished i were hindu or catholic, burmese or chicana... but i am 3/4 white protestant and 1/4 cultural jew and not practicing either religion - so i'm floating out here in the secular world. before this loss i had a lot of my own rituals for grounding and meditation and selfcare and prayer. but tjheir flimsiness was revealed pretty quickly when the sh*t went down, and i haven't gone back to them.

I read "Empty Cradle" about a fortnight after Emma died. I can't remember exactly but something in that book triggered the idea that after losing a child, I might end up losing my husband too. Like others here, it was a case of saying "No. I've lost too much already. I'm not giving up on my marriage without a fight." And my husband felt the same. In those early months, we were so close. We celebrated our tenth anniversary about five months out and I described us then as clinging to each other. We had bereavement counselling together. It wasn't marriage guidance but it still helped.

I haven't worked out what to do with Halloween. We never celebrated it as a kitsch holiday with bowls of treats and witches hats - we still don't. And I haven't worked out any rituals for this date. Possibly because I'm from a Protestant tradition that seems to be about stiff upper lip and glossing over death. My church have never really known what to do with me, since Emma died. I LOVE, love all the rituals you have created for Dia de los Muertos but Idon't have the same connection to this date.

Thank you so much for posting this! I've found it hard being non religious, I've felt almost jealous of those who could at least be comforted by their faith, and angry at those who try to comfort me with religious words. It's just nice to feel that I'm not alone xxx

I just loved this post. I too am an atheist and feel as though there is something wrong with me when I don't feel comfort by religious cliché-type sentiments. It's very hard at times to try to breathe under the weight of the grief and recover from the shock of the slap of religious platitudes. I personally feel it would do my 'experience' some injustice by resigning it all up to some overlooking-righteous-yet loving and good-bestower of life (for you, but not YOU)and death (oops gotta take YOU back because of my super complex and secret plan)person/entity.

Most of [my would-be letters to friends and family] are "thank-you" notes:

...

Dear Catholic friends and relatives,
if any of you speak of God's so-called "plan" or say it was or wasn't meant to be one more time, I'm going to shove some of my own "myterious ways" up your f-ing asses.

...

I dont know why I haven't done this before, that felt GREAT!

Karma. An eye for an eye. I've been thinking about that, too. That because my body was the vessel, it must be somehow my fault, even though I almost died delivering the 2nd of my lost twins, 3 weeks apart, it's may fault they died, because I was complaining about the cost of a triple stroller, the need for a triple stroller, scared of taking care of 3 children under the age of 3 basically by myself since Hubs works 70 hrs a week, etc, etc...

I've come across people who have outright declared Liam's spiritual fate. Some have called him an angel, some said he was needed in heaven, others said that his existence was nothing more than a medical mishap. None of it bothers me. Well, the last one, perhaps, but only because it was used to minimize. That's beside the point.