3

I wish I could tell everyone that tells me to be grateful that "At least your daughter lived and is healthy" that just because I have one healthy baby doesn't cancel out the fact that there were two. My daughter's health is not balance for my son's death, it doesn't cancel it out. Yes, I do have a baby whereas many women leave the hospital empty handed, but I was pregnant with TWO, the second being my only son who has died.

Sophia - I love your message on why you shaved your head. Kind of like grabbing the grief by the balls and saying, 'let's do this - bring it on'. I wish I was that gutsy.

Alienated: To cause to become withdrawn or unresponsive; isolate or dissociate emotionally. This was me for several months. Disengaged from every one around me, as if watching life go on from behind a glass wall.

It has been 6 years since our son was born-still. 6 years since my life was turned upside down and inside out. I did seek traditional 'talk' therapy after his death. But it didn't help much except to insure I'd get out of bed everyday and continue being a productive member of society.

We are now, finally, after much deliberation and discussion, seeing a therapist. nothing spiritual. All practical. I'm not looking for philosophical reasons - looking for ways to make me not want to punch people in the face. All the time. Even when I'm smiling on the outside. I think she is definitely a good thing for us right now. Don't know for how long, but right now, yes. It is working.

5 weeks ago our baby Alice was born at 20 weeks and died a short time after. I am not religious. I don't believe in God, or heaven or the power of prayer. My husband is a scientist and his parents are atheists and although I was sent to church as a child, I have not believed in God since I was a child.

When Alice first died I thought it would be easier if I did believe - easier to explain to our 2 1/2 year old where Alice has gone. But we didn't. We explained the facts the best we could and continue to talk about it.

I have always been an Atheist. I had some brief introductions to religion, but on the whole I was raised on science and facts.  That is how I lived my life.

I hear ya! Evan was supposed to be our magical child as well, pre-destined by over a year when someone reading my husband's tarot cards told him "your first child will be a son, he will make you proud" Followed by a spring Equinox egg painting wish ritual during which we painted the wish of a baby on our eggs, then went home and made Evan. When they told he had passed away at 42 weeks, I was shocked, but he is magic, he cant die yet. I felt lied to and abandoned by my God's.

All I can do is gasp and nod and let the tears come, if they want.

I *hated* hearing, "at least you have Joshua;" *despised* receiving the "Congrats on Your Baby Boy!" cards only after my surviving son came home from the hospital; *resented* keeping silent because talking about our birth/death/NICU/what-have-you experiences were "too upsetting" for others.

I can't stand the fact that my MIL parades my youngest son around as the 'healthy' one, the 'natural' one-- the one who "came out perfect"... the same woman who told me that "God knew I couldn't handle two at once."