| Codes/Comments (Bakker) | Codes/Comments (Paris) | |
|---|---|---|
| 3, 4 |
014b - Blame(God, faith mentioned) Oh Susan, I'm sorry for your struggles. It is so frustrating when 'people' tell us (mostly who have never known babyloss) not to question our faith. The best conclusioin I've come to is that God can handle any anger and questioning we put his way. He does not push away even when we push him away. I see God's goodness in so many things, but it is so torturously hard to see what goodness Will's loss was. I know we were spared the trauma of medical malpractice and other horrific circumstances. I've come to believe that God mourns with us. That he did not intervene, but that his heart breaks for us. I know God will make good out of this loss...but I do not believe I have to call Will's loss 'good'. It is not. I believe that God hears knows our hearts....he knows our anger and bitterness. He knows when we cannot trust him. And I believe that God stands by us no matter, holding our hands when we want, and stepping back when we don't want to trust. |
3, 4 |
| 4 |
014c - the downside of the internetI am not able to post on any other BabyLoss website the further I get in this pregnancy. The thought of everything that could go wrong before Abby is born is just too much for me. Renting the doppler was the best choice I made in the days after Will died. Sometimes I even use it despite her kicking, just to make sure her heart is beating fast enough. I guess I'm grateful, in some ways, this is my last pregnancy, and I won't have to face this intense fear after losing a baby. But losing Will at the same time as carrying Abby...it is a testament (for me) that God works to give me peace, b/c I think I would be in an insane asylum if were left completely up to me. |
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| 4 |
014d - do you dream of your lost ones?I never dreamed of the twins either and have not dreamt of Will as of yet, though lately I have this mental image of him as a little boy with blue eyes and curly dark hair (my son, Sam, is green eyed with sandy blonde/brown). I'd like to think that God gave me that vision. I yearn to see how he might've looked, even as he lays in me now. I fear it might be too late for us already to try to get a 3D scan image of his body in me, as Will has been gone 3 1/2 weeks now. I had a dream last week that I had an inoperable brain tumor...it was so very real. And I remember feeling so very, very sad that I was either going to have to die and say goodbye to my living son or live and say goodbye to my dead one. I woke up happy to not be in sucha dillemma. |
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| 1 |
015a - Strength in the Ashes (comment)Oh man.. this brought tears to my eyes. I struggle with my faith everyday, and I cry out to Him and I tell Him how I feel.. I'm just so glad to know there are others who feel/felt the same way I do now.. trusting but hurt... so very, very hurt. |
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| 4 |
015b - General Loss/Grief AdviceI lost my daughter Simone in November @ 39 weeks. I am 3 months and 3 days out. I too, went back to work out of necessity, after 8 weeks of disability leave. Immediately after our loss, we were in shock and numb. I thought I was okay, was handling it very well, I experienced no anger, fear or anxiety. Then. My daughter was in heaven, she never suffered, I was still alive and my husband and I have supportive, loving family. Then the numbness went away. The horrible, gut-wrenching pain of the realization that she was really gone hit me like a ton of bricks. Thanksgiving, Christmas, NYE, holidays that I had imagined with her in my mind.. shattered. Anger, bitterness, jealousy, melancholy, rage, sorrow, despair.. racked my body and my mind. I no longer recognized myself. There are days when I still don't. But in the midst of all those negative emotions.. there is still the LOVE I have for Simone, the 9 beautiful months that I carried her... I cannot forget their beauty.. it helps to keep me sane. The deeper love that she brought to her father and me. The realization that my husband loves me so much more than I EVER knew. I am grateful for that. Give yourself permission to FEEL all the things that you said you are beginning to feel.. good, bad, ugly, beautiful. Give yourself permission to take the TIME to do so. It's hard, I know. But, I also think that it is necessary in order to become the Mom that you so desparately want to be. For me, exercise and getting back to my pre-pregnancy weight has helped... I find running to be very meditative, and helps me to release the tension, anxiety, stress from my week at work.. and helps me to organize my thoughts. When I run, I can just "be". It also releases those wonderful little endorphins that make me feel "lighter" lifting that fog of negativity/depression (for me). Eating healthy also helps to combat depression.. if you eat well or focus on trying to eat well, then your brain also benefits b/c there is less of chemical imbalance of nutrients. It helps. So keep trying to eat healthy and work out... I think you will find that it will continue to help. If you look better, you feel better. Cliche' but true. I too, have thought of running for my daughter, so if you can turn your run into a way to honor your son.. GO FOR IT. Do the things that make you feel good. I believe that we can honor our kids by being the best people we can be in light of our tragedy. For me, it also helps that I see a grief counselor..and that my counselor is not only specifically trained in grief, but has experienced a similiar loss. For me, these sessions have been invaluable. I never understood grief or depression before we lost Simone, and she has helped me navigate this journey that I (we) am on. It helps to talk and get it out. It also helps to understand that this process is not instantaneous... poof! You're all better if you do X, Y, Z. I wish it did, but it doesn't. Allow yourself time... My husband and I go to the counselor together to talk as a unit, and I am also going separately, woman to woman. The online blogs and places like this are amazing.. a community of people who understand, who just "get it" . There is nothing like that kind of comfort when you are going through a sh*tstorm of emotion, to know that you are not the only one who felt like this.. and to hear how it GETS BETTER. Not instantly.. but it does.. slowly, gradually.. the grief gets a little bit easier to bear... a little lighter... I do a lot of talking to God, I read 3 devotionals every morning as well. That really helps me. I talk to him when I'm angry, sad, feeling alone, happy. I thank Him for the things that I still have.. my health, my husband, my family, my friends, my job.. the 9 amazing months with my daughter and the fact that she didn't suffer. It doesn't make the pain go away... but it helps for me to know that I will see her again. 3 months later, my grief is less intense.. I no longer feel broken in half with my guts ripped out and someone is stomping on them while I lie there. I still have many down days.. but my downs aren't as deep as they once were. I have some up days with bad moments.. some bad days with good moments.. but I am learning to take one day at a time.. and not worry so much about the future, when we will try again.. will we be successful next time, etc... patience for me, is a very hard lesson to learn, and one that I am learning kicking and screaming. :) Lastly, I read a lot of books, on loss.. An exact replica of a figment of my Imagination, Surviving the Death of Your Baby, Knocked up, Knocked Down- Postcards from the Brink of Motherhood, Pregnancy after a Loss, Empty Arms, Tear Soup.. they were all wonderful resources for me.. they may help you to navigate your way through this loss. |
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| 3 |
015c - Six months and quietly freaking outI'm feeling like the progress I've made over teh last 6 months is slowly unraveling in the face of my various life situations. Such as : my sister is due to have her 1st child, a girl, in less than 2 weeks. My daughter was delivered stillborn a little over 6 months ago. My mother told me she had to 'think about' carrying a picture of my daughter in her wallet, and that her picture would be displayed in her bedroom (heaven forbid the living room!). She also informed my husband and I that she was done grieving for my daughter b/c she was no longer dead, but alive with Christ as of Easter Sunday. I guess that is her way of setting boundaries for her new grandhild? Coping mechanism perhaps?? My parents home is no longer a safe place for me to grieve. better not mention that DEAD grandchild in her home.. might upset the new one that's on it's way. when I confronted her with her words and how they hurt me, I got the 'I'm sorry you took it that way, it wasn't meant to hurt you, but I'm proud of you for standing up for your right to continue to grieve" WTF?? My husband may be shipped off to Officer Training School within the next 2 months (or not), which is right smack dab in the scheduled time frame for a much desired Pregnancy Loss Support Group so we can't commit to it, and is also the same time frame that we agreed we'd start 'trying again' (Curse you AF for getting your shit together at the wrong damn time, and not giving us a concrete date for training!!) - I am not speaking to my mother because of her careless, callous and thoughtless comments to me and my husband, I hate that there are so many balls up in the air for my husband's career that we cannot plan, nor have any control over what happens next- I feel like giving up, and I want to know if I'm self-pitying/self-ANGSt-igating, or am I just overwhelmed? My husband told me that this is our reality- it's just us against the world and to essentially (he didn't say this) GROW UP. Life it hard, it sucks, and deal with it. I hate my job, but feel I shouldn't complain cause I have my health, my home, my job, my husband, my dog, but I don't have my daughter- and she's all I want. I'm not sleeping again, and I'm taking her blanket to bed with me at night now. I woke up thinking one sister with a dead baby, one sister with a(possible) live baby. I feel like I have so much rage/anger and hurt and I don't konw where to direct it. I feel out of control, scared and anxious of the unknown. I also have NO CLUE how to integrate with supportive friends (and those who haven't been) who have children. At some point, I know I'm going to have to- but how? Did anyone else feel this way when confronted with a number of difficult life situations? Is this normal for 6 months out?? |
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| 3, 4 |
015d - hurtingThe unfortunate truth is exactly what everyone else here wrote, you will continue to get those thoughtless, careless and well meaning but seriously insensitive comments from all directions, Christian and non-Christian alike. Just because you believe that the Lord is walking through the valley with you doesn't mean that the pain isn't there, and that you still need to grieve. I don't have any other children at home, but I think Steph is right, you love your children, ALL of them and they won't be scarred for life. If anything, they will be better prepared knowing that life isn't always easy, fair and right. It is difficult to be the one grieving and have to come to a place of understanding and acceptance that others, who do not wear our shoes, will never, ever get it. I recently read a poem by Annie Johnson Flint that may help to encourage you when faced with situations such as this- He giveth more grace when the burdens grow greater, When we have exhausted our store of endurance, His love has no limit, His grace has no measure, |
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| 1 |
015e - hey (comment)I thought that I would have the conviction or the confidence in the Ressurection of Christ, the way that I had all the years leading up to this- but not this year. This year, my faith was shaken so much more than I ever realized. I wasn't happy on Easter. I didn't even bother going to Church. I didn't sing songs, I didn't do dinner with family. My husband and I had breakfast, and then went on a 10 mile run. I had an 'up' week, the first time in 5 months. I was elated to be able to recognize myself. Sadly, I"m no longer up, and sliding down that slippery slope.. I am not as patient or compassionate with myself as I probably should be. I am trying, and failing miserably (mostly), to practice the art of self-compassion. I should probably try harder. |
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| 1, 3 |
016a - God are you realI so needed to read this thread. I used to be so secure in my faith. In fact, I was taking steps to become a minister in my denomination when I became pregnant with Mary. My faith is now in tatters. I want it back but I just feel so angry and hateful instead. Recently my aunt and the husband of a close friend both beat the odds with terrible medical issues. When their friends replied on facebook things like "see our prayers worked!" it was all I could do not to reply, why don't we ask my daughter how well those prayers worked for her? I hope with all my heart to someday feel the peace of a close relationship with God again. |
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| 3 |
016b - Dealing with lifeI just found out that my best friend's husband has melanoma. I knew that he'd had a mole with melanoma and they'd removed it, a large chunk of tissue surrounding it and a lymph node. What I found out minutes ago was that the lymph node has cancer in it. I am so weary of sickness and death. I deal with it every day at work, granted they're "only" animals but still. And now this. I just feel like I can't get a break. Of course this isn't about me at all, this is about him and her and their 3 kids. Crap. I need to be there for them somehow even though they live 3 hours + away. But I'm really afraid that I won't have the emotional reserves. --- Just got the very good news that the cancer hasn't spread past his lymph nodes. From what I understand he's going to have to be hypervigilant for the rest of his life, but he's got a decent chance of many more years. I'm so happy for them! I guess I've become jaded because I fully expected that the cancer would be everywhere. What I don't really understand is my reaction to the responses on facebook. They are both people of strong Christian faith as are many of their facebook friends. For some reason it really upset me to read so many "see how our prayers worked" responses when I prayed constantly for my baby and she died anyway. I thought my relationship with God was on the mend but maybe I have more work to do in that area. I haven't cried this hard in a while. Maybe I just need some sleep.
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016c - due dateToday is 3 months since Mary was born silent. Monday will be when she was supposed to be born pink and screaming with bright blue eyes and whispy blonde hair. Or at least that's how I imagined it. I haven't been sleeping well. I never started counseling like I said I would. When I feel ok, I don't think I need it and when I feel rotten I can't be bothered to call. I feel like I'm climbing a mountain with no rest and little oxygen. --- God and I aren't really talking right now, so I appreciate any prayers you can scrounge up for me, Veronica. Remembering our babies with you. --- Well Mary's due date came and went. I do feel a little different. Not sure if it's better or not. Just different. Instead of missing feeling her inside me I'm now missing what I thought having a newborn would be like. It's a little bit more of a wistful feeling. My main issue now is not sleeping through the night. I've only had one night where I didn't sleep at all, but I'm not one of those people who only need 4-5 hours. Months now of getting well under 8 are taking their toll. I've finally started the process of seeing a therapist. Hopefully that will help. I saw my therapist for the first time today. She knows nothing about babyloss. I even had to correct her after she kept calling Mary's stillbirth a miscarriage. But she thanked me for it. I like her, I think. Her specialty is trauma which is appropriate enough. And she's just got a nice way about her that made me very comfortable and at the same time I don't think she's going to let me get away with the "I'm fine" BS that I've been giving out to everybody else. We decided that medication is probably good idea for me at this point. I also decided to go with a psychiatrist instead of my regular physician. I'm a little scared of meds and feel that a specialist will be safer and more efficient at finding the right drug or combination of drugs. Oh, and I now have a diagnosis! It amuses me in a way. "Mybabydiedandithurtslikehell" is good enough for me. But she calls it adjustment disorder with anxiety and depression. I looked it up and it fits well enough. Part of the description does say, "having a stronger reaction than would be expected" which bothers me a little bit, but given that I told her that I was pretty sure I was going to start having panic attacks and/or stop getting out of bed in the morning soon if we didn't do something it may be a fair assessment. I just hope going the psychiatrist route won't be too horribly expensive. We're thinking about buying a house and not really sure we can really afford it and the tension knot in my chest has relaxed just a bit so I should just stop this line of thought now before it tightens back up again. --- What a difference a month can make. I had my last counseling session today. The knot of anxiety is gone and I'm sleeping through the night. It's so wonderful to be able to fall asleep and stay asleep until morning! I guess I'm fortunate that the wait list to see a psychiatrist in this town is so long. I had the chance to get better on my own without the meds. Not to say I didn't need them, because I probably did. But I don't feel like that any longer. My longing for Mary is more like a constant buzz in the back of my mind than this sea of grief that I'm drowning in. Well, most of the time.The 30th of each month still has me right back reliving the day she was born. But the rest of the time I'm mostly ok. I definitely have mixed feelings about feeling better. (What a crazy place this babylostness is!) Shouldn't I be completely broken forever? Isn't she worth that? But her legacy can't be that. If anything I have to live the best life I can in honor of her. Someday when I win the Pulitzer or the Nobel Peace Prize or something I can say, "This is for my Mary. She was beautiful and perfect and she gave me the strength and perserverance to do this thing. I'm sorry the rest of you never knew her." Ok, that's probably never going to happen but if I can dream about it, then maybe that's a small start. |
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016d - glasses, clouds, sea monstersI think there was an insurance commercial on a few years back that describes me pretty well. If I remember correctly it shows someone driving through an intersection and they imagine a crash, then they drive by a house and imagine it on fire. I do that. When I saw the faint pink line I was certain I was going to miscarry. Mom says I had an intuition that Mary wouldn't live, but I think it's just me. Oddly, I seem to come across as very cheery to other people. Even now. And, when I think about it I guess I do feel joy more and more often than I have any right to. Bad Things have happened to me several times in my life. Not the worst things that could ever happen, well except for this latest Bad Thing, but bad enough. Maybe I learned to grab onto those happy moments when I could and let myself fully experience them no matter what? I used to think it was my faith, but the last time I talked to God I called him a bastard and demanded my baby back. I'm sure He can take it, but I'm still holding a grudge. |
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017a - BlameI don't blame the doctors, but my mom tried her best to make sure they didn't do anything wrong. She was convinced they didn't have my date right. That I could have been further along than I was. I was due to receive my Rhogam shot 2 weeks after we lost Charlotte. But I know we had the date right. Not that we know for certain it was Rh issues that caused her to be stillborn. I try my best not to blame myself. I wonder if I danced too much at a wedding the week before. I feel like I shook her up too much. I wonder if I worked out too hard on the elliptical machine the days before losing her. I regret doing those things, thinking that they somehow contributed to her blood mixing into my system. I will never know. And it has been extremely hard for me to not blame God. Our perfect little girl was due on the perfect date, the anniversary of our first date. Everything was perfect and I feel like she was ripped away from us. Like a cruel joke "you thought you were going to be parents and have this little girl - just kidding". Everyone says "God would not do this to you". Well, I feel he didn't do anything to stop or prevent it either. So hard for me to understand right now. Struggling with my faith on a daily basis. How can I thank God for anything when I cannot thank him for my little girl ???? Ah, here come the tears. |
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017b - Tiny ventI feel the same way. People just ond't know how to relate. Or they downplay it to something they can manage. When it comes to church people, they just don't get it. I've really struggled with my faith since losing Charlotte. Nobody can explain why she's gone. |
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017c - caught off guardI approached my preacher about how isolated I was feeling after losing Charlotte. He said people just don't know what to say and they don't want to upset me by bringing it up. I told him I want to talk about her. It is a way to keep her memory alive. I said the exact same thing, I will cry no matter if they bring it up or not. There are only a couple of people at work that I am truly comfortable speaking to about Charlotte. Sharing my true feelings and what I'm going through. It wouldn't bother me if others brought it up. That would mean they were thinking of me and her. Same goes for church. It has been really interesting to see who approaches me to talk and see how I'm doing. Of all places, I think they are the worst at knowing what to really do. Both of our families are great about including Charlotte in conversations or talking to us about everything we're going through. And we have a few friends that still ask and are comfortable bringing up the subject. |
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018a - PerfectHeather, My heart aches for you having to endure such a heartless comment from your friend. I am always stunned when I hear that such things are said to grieving mothers. Of course your daughter was perfect, in every way possible. Your daughter was wanted and loved and that alone makes her perfect. I am only 9 months out from the loss of my daughter, but I hope that I can offer you a bit of wisdom or advice. First, it is not your resposiblity to educate your friend or anyone else about your loss or how the comment made you upset. That is one thing that my therapist tells me all the time. So, don't feel bad that you couldn't say anything in the moment...you were shocked by what your friend said, and rightfully so. You are so new to this horrible grief, so be kind to yourself. Also, your friend may think that she was being comforting to you, but in reality, her comment was really to reassure herself. By saying your daughter must not have been perfect (which again, I totally DO NOT agree with), your friend is comforting herself and reinforcing her belief that the world has order and there has to be a reason for your baby to die. Because if she admits to herself that babies die for no reason, that there is a randomness to it all, she opens herself up to the pain that there is no order. If she admits that even perfect babies can be stillborn, the world as she understands it no longer makes sense. And that is so frightening to many people. If she admits your baby was perfect, then that questions her belief that God would allow something He created as perfect to die. (Personally, I don't agree with her view of God, but that's beside the point). I seem to be rambling a bit, but I really get riled up when I hear of the insensitive things people say to bereaved moms. I'm very lucky that I have only had a few insensitive things said to me or my husband. I think that's why I get so upset to hear about it when it happens to others. Heather, your daughter was perfect. My daughter was perfect. All of us here at Glow had beautiful, perfect babies. Never let the comments of insensitive people make you think differently. |
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018b - new week, Jan. 17I just wanted to pop in to offer a book suggestion that has helped me in my struggle with God and my faith...I've found that "When Bad Things Happen to Good People" by Harold S. Kushner has helped me some. I'm still struggling on a daily basis with my faith, but this book has eased it a bit. |
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018c - how do you deal with friends having babies?So, this morning I woke up to a new email from a good friend's husband (let's call him B) saying that they were at the hospital because his wife was in labor (she was due in a week). It hit me like a punch in the gut. I see this friend (let's call her A) a lot as she is also a neighbor. I knew she was pregnant and due soon. But still, hearing that they were going to get to have their baby today and he would be born safe and sound really hurt. What made it worse was the way B broke the news. Today is the 2nd anniversary of B's mother's death, and he said that God "is sending us our son as a message that my mother misses us and she still lives in our hearts". That made me think to myself, what the hell? If B really believes that God is sending him his son, then does he also think that God took my daughter away from me? Of course not, he would probably think that it was just bad luck. But still, it hurts that he said that. What really sucks is that I can't even reach out to them and offer congratulations. I feel like such a monster, since I can't be happy for them right now. All I am is jealous and angry and sad because they get to have their baby, safe and sound, added to their family (they have a daughter too, who's 4) while my daughter, my firstborn, is dead. They get to send out all the cute newborn pictures and get congratulations from friends and family. I got condolences when friends and family heard of her death. They will get people asking all about their new addition as he grows. I barely even get people asking how I'm doing anymore, and it hasn't even been 6 months since my baby died. And now I'm worried about this friendship. I don't know if/when I'll even feel ok enough to see the new baby. And I don't want to offend them, but right now I just can't even imagine that I would be ok seeing them or the baby anytime soon. |
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3, 4 negative example of code 4; not finding meaning in religion |
019a - The Meaning of a Life (comment)From moment one after my daughter's death... and for every painful moment since... I have never once believed that I, or my daughter, or my husband, are so special that some omnipotent being one day decided: "Steph needs a life lesson in grief and suffering. I think I shall take away her daughter, then give her a son that will struggle for his life. Through this, she will gain enlightenment." No. I believe that we are all dust in the wind. Death and illness are just as much a part of human existence as life and health. Just opposite sides of the same coin. Life is random. So much of it comes down to luck. All of us... all of our children... will die. It is just a question of when. Those people who manage to get through life with healthy children who live into their golden years? Well, they are lucky. Have I been forced to make the best of the lot that life has handed me? That is a different question. While I have no belief that there was the remotest purpose to any of this, I do believe that the best any of us can do is to find whatever positives we can out of the grief and loss. This has nothing to do with finding a purpose. It is merely about survival. I've lost count of how many times I've been given the lines: "Everything happens for a reason." "God only gives you what you can handle." "Someday you will find that there is a purpose to all of this." Each and every one of those lines translates into the same thing. "Thank god it is you and not me." Oh, and Jeanette, to me the absolute worse line anyone can give is: "I will hug my little one tighter." How anyone could think that the idea of "the-thought-of-your-dead, -cold-baby-makes-me -appreciate-my-living,-breathing-child-more" is comforting is beyond me. |
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019b - how do you deal with friends having babies?Count me in as another who hates the whole "god's will" baloney. I can see how your friend's announcement would sting. It is basically say: "god thinks we are more special than you, apparently." Another similar thing that I hate is when people feel a need to tell me about their traumatic pregnancies... where their baby lived. ("My pregnancy was so terrible, but I am such a good and special and heroic person that my baby lived"). Just another way to make me feel like a failure..... |
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4 negative example of code 4 |
019c - What do you wish you could say?See, Eliza, the thing is that God is pro-life... unless He has a "reason" to take a baby. Because, surely, there must be some reason He wanted my baby and your babies and the babies of all of the other poor women on this board. When you figure out that reason, somebody, anybody-- please let me know what it is. |
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2 exploring new religious tradition; finding solace in idea of detachment |
019d - the downside of the internetThe Internet has been a god-send to me in terms of helping me feel less alone, as well as providing me with emotional support. I have found that there is also a big downside to the Internet, however, at least for me. Each and every tragic story I've read has taught me about all of the things that can go wrong, all of the reasons a baby can be lost (and all of the times no reason can be found). It has shed a light on all the ways a baby can be sick. It has spelled out in stark terms the fact that, just because a person experienced one loss, does not make them immune from another. This knowledge creates a lot of anxiety in me and, when I consider the prospect of TTC, all of these bad things swirl through my head. Before, I knew theoretically that bad things can happen. Now I know hundreds of specific ways that things can go wrong. It keeps making think of the old adage: Ignorance is bliss. Do you find that all that you've read on the Internet has caused anxiety for you when you consider TTC (on top of the anxiety that you already have, having experienced a loss)? Or are you able to put this information in its proper place? --- As always, so wise and eloquent, Eliza. You hit the nail right on the head. It all comes down to the fact that there is little we can control in life. I am an admitted control freak. I've spent my life with white knuckles, hoping that sheer will and a desire to control will prevent bad things from happening. See where that got me.... I am not a religious person per se, but have been exploring spirituality more since my loss. I've been drawn to Buddhism in particular. One of the fundamental tenets is detachment. Detaching from the notion that we can control. Allowing ourselves to accept what life brings us. Thank you for helping me to see this is a different way. You've really given me something to think about. --- So much of what this comes down to "letting go and letting god," opening ourselves up to the love even when the risk of great pain exists. Eliza, I think we can all relate to feeling as if we missed out on loving our babies because the need to protect our hearts was so great. Maybe part of the lesson in all of this is to open a space for more love to enter in the next time around. Maybe another part is knowing that, regardless of the outcome, we are strong enough to handle what life has in store. I mean, all of us have made it this far. Sure, we're sad as anyone can imagine. But we're stronger. I, for one, know that I have discovered that I am stronger and more resilient than I ever imagined. |
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019e - am I the only one?It is funny. I don't consider myself a religious person. I have no idea if I believe in heaven, per se. However, since I lost my daughter, I need to believe that she is somewhere where she is at peace and happy. I need to believe that I will see her again.. My brother and sister in law's first child was stillborn. I believe that their son and our daughter are together. And I love the idea of them together with the beautiful souls of all of the Glow children. |
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020a - How to annoy a bereaved parentDear Glowers, I’ve been hanging out at Glow for a year now and I’ve been hanging out in the real world with other bereaved parents like myself for 15 months. The rant below comes from my amazement at some of the stories I’ve heard of how tactless people can be towards bereaved parents, and how much harder it makes our experience sometimes. In writing this, I wasn’t thinking about most people I’ve encountered, who are doing their best and are just clumsy in what they are doing or saying. I’ve found most people are like that: they have good intentions but they don’t know what to do. I have been like that myself in this past 15 months. I have strong memories of sitting in a SIDS and Kids meeting with one particular bereaved Mum, not knowing what to do or say to her because no matter what anyone in the meeting did it seemed to upset her or offend her. I didn’t like feeling helpless and clumsy in that situation, and I think from memory it led to me making even further comments which offended her! My rant here is instead about a small subset of people who really go the extra mile in terms of tactless, hurtful behaviour towards bereaved parents. I’ve found them to be very few and far between, thank goodness. Anyway, it’s just a rant from me and I’m too gutless to put it on my blog because then I’d have friends and family thinking I was writing about them and getting all angsty about it, and it would be completely the WRONG people who would worry about that, if you know what I mean.... How to Annoy a Bereaved Parent The golden rule for how to annoy a bereaved parent is to start from your own shit and stay there. When interacting with someone who is bereaved, most people start from their own discomfort, their individual and cultural understanding of death, grief etc, and their own personal strengths and oddities. That’s normal: after all, the death of a child is a socially awkward situation for everyone. But the thing that will mark you out as someone who has gone the extra yards to annoy the bereaved is if you steadfastly stick to your own shit and don’t move beyond that. Keep putting your own views and discomforts at the forefront of any decision you make about interacting with the bereaved. Don’t muddy the waters by adjusting your behaviour to what seems to be the preferences of the bereaved. That way lies anarchy. Beyond that there are lots of ways to annoy a bereaved parent, as many ways as there are personality styles. Here’s a few for you to consider, and some suggestions of how to start: ... 5. Do you use your spirituality or religion as a podium to stand on to remove yourself from the pain and messiness of human existence? All major religions have comforting, supportive things to say to bereaved parents. However, with a little thought (or lack of thought) the teachings of any religion and spirituality can be twisted into comments and theology that are guaranteed to annoy bereaved parents. The trick here is to avoid the basic tenets of the religion or spirituality, like the intrinsic value of human life, the universality of human suffering, or the willingness of a deity figure to grieve alongside us in our grief. No, you don’t want a bar of that hootenanny. You want to offer the bereaved parents comments that are much smaller in scope, something that implies that God gives you permission to get the boot in when they are down. Remember you’ll have more luck in annoying bereaved parents if you avoid the actual teachings of the religion, and just stick to dismissive remarks that use some of the religion’s terminology. Here’s some to start you off, but it’s easy to script your own. If you get stuck, have a look inside some religious-themed condolence cards: Your options are endless. Aim for a tone of ‘smug’. To reiterate, the guiding principle for doing a gold standard job in annoying a bereaved parent is to use their distress as a stage on which to roll out your own messed-up, destructive habits. Just keep it all about you, do what comes naturally, and you are bound to annoy any bereaved parent in a 10 km radius. |
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020b - how do you deal with friends having babies?I've got nothing signitficant to add, just wanted to say i'm thinking of you. I have found this issue very hard as has everyone above. For me, it's the newborn babies that are the hardest. That and the birth announcements. I have one baby in our close social circles that was born about 5 months after we lost our Salome: another 3rd daughter to the family, same Obst, same hospital, VERY different outcome ie they got a healthy baby to take home. That whole situation was fraught for me. Lots of well-meaning people watching me to see what I'd do, trying to take their cues from me, obviously talking about me and worried about how i would react. I felt like a freak as well as being enormously distressed. It was the Mum of this other baby girl who handled the situation the best out of everyone in that social circle. She and I had some very frank discussions leading up to the birth about how we were both feeling about our situations. That really helped. ... As for that God-stuff, I am so sorry you copped that in that email. It drives me bonkers, that oversimplified "God wanted another angerl" shit. I have found 'When bad things happen to good people' to be the best thing I have read so far on that stuff. Personally, I think it's blasphemous to suggest that God would behave with the cruelty that is implied by the 'God wanted another angel' comments. So in answer to your questions, my key friendships have all survived, but only because the other parents involved have been very supportive and responsive to my requests. Otherwise I think I would have had to write them off. I certainly felt consumed with jealousy at times. I have found the jealousy has faded, but still rears it's head when I least expect it. |
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